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What I Wish People Knew About Life After My Miscarriage

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I noticed a woman staring at my wrist. I hadn’t known her very well, but we were friendly acquaintances, and she knew I had recently had a baby boy.

She was trying not to make it obvious, but I could see her trying to see underneath my hand. I smiled and offered my wrist to her.

“I’m sorry,” she replied, I was trying to figure out if it was a real tattoo you had or one of those that comes off.”

“It’s real, I responded.

“Wow. I don’t see you as the type. What is it?”

I took in a deep breath and explained, “This is the outline of my daughter’s footprints. I lost her when I was four and a half months’ pregnant, but our nurse was able to get her footprints on a card before they took her, and I decided to have them placed on my wrist.”

“Oh,” was all she said. It seemed like she was searching for the words to continue the conversation and that she might have felt a little uneasy.

“It’s beautiful,” she replied with a smile.

“Thank you. I would like to add to it someday. Maybe a halo or her name. I’m still not sure,” I replied.

“Well, at least now you have your son.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. I tried to put myself in her shoes. I realized she was offering as best she could some words of comfort and likely didn’t realize how those words might come out.

I understand that many never knew how to approach me after the loss of my daughter. Many of them still don’t know how to talk about it, and it’s been more than a year and a half.

However, here is what I want people to know about life after my miscarriage:

I miss my daughter very much. Though a brief time, my daughter was a part of me. Even though she did not survive, she was and will always be a big part of my life.

I still cry for her because I know I won’t get to share many things with her. Even though time has passed, the hurt is still the same. No amount of time could ever heal this scar upon my heart.

My son has brought a lot of joy to my life. He is my ray of sunshine, my rainbow after the storm. He has saved me in more ways than he will ever know. But he is a different baby. He is his own person. He and my daughter are two of my children, and even though he has changed my life in so many good ways, I still grieve for the loss of my baby girl.

It is important for me that others try to understand we experienced a loss, and with it comes a lifetime of reminders of the memories we will never have.

The woman smiled at me, and I smiled back — both of us trying to understand one another and getting back to our days.

Image via Thinkstock Images

Originally published: November 22, 2016
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