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To My Mom With Breast Cancer, With Love From Your Daughter With MCTD

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I was a sickly child and a free-spirited young lady then. All of which isn’t very easy to raise. But when mixed connective tissue disease struck me, I think led to the most difficult and most heartbreaking moment of one woman: my mother.

Dear Mama,

Raising a child like me was difficult, I know. I would hate you for all the restrictions you imposed, never understanding that they were for my own good. I would always wonder why others would be so afraid to take care of me. For some time I thought I was robbed of my childhood. I was wrong. And I’m sorry, Mama.

I thought my teenager years were opportunity to explore the world. Even when Papa passed away, I never thought of your feelings. I cared more for my loss. And this continued for years. But this time, you let me spread my wings, you allowed me to fall, fail, and get hurt. Funny how I thought you’d stopped caring. Ironic, right?

Then you were diagnosed with breast cancer, underwent radical mastectomy, chemotherapy and Herceptin treatment. I saw your pain, and I refused to believe I was so close to losing you. I was not ready, and I will never be ready.

Just when I was trying to make up for all my shortcomings as a daughter, MCTD came into my life and took that chance away. Once again, I was that helpless, sickly, little girl, now all grown up. You can no longer carry me in your arms every time I cry, but you have your way of showing me you care. Now all you do, I appreciate.

I feel bad that while you have your own battle to face, you help me fight mine. You accompany me in all consultations, bring me to the ER regardless of time when I run out of breath; cook food, prepare my bath when I can’t bathe myself, prepare my clothes, help me walk when I can’t. You simply become one amazing woman. Amazing because you selflessly take care of me even if you have your own pain.

You’ve always proven yourself to be braver and tougher than I am. Through your pain and despair, you still wholeheartedly take care of your daughter with a progressive degenerative disease. I cannot bear to see your loving eyes hold back the tears. I love you. I just love you, so much Mama.


Your daughter with MCTD

Thinkstock photo by bugphai

Originally published: March 30, 2017
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