The day I didn't want to die
The day I woke up and didn’t want to die anymore was April 2, 2018. The day after Easter and April Fool’s Day, I had my own resurrection of sorts. The fact that my journey through a major depressive episode has a beginning and an end is truly bizarre to me, but it is my unique journey and my personal set of circumstances. So first I’ll take you back to the beginning.
August 24, 2013 just after 1am I woke up and felt nauseated. I headed to the bathroom to vomit but when I got there I ended up having a grand mal seizure (after 8 years seizure free) and hit my right temple hard on the porcelain toilet. My husband heard me fall and had to bust open the bathroom door to find me unresponsive. As he yelled out for a family member to call 911, I came to. Later, he told me that his first thought was that I had died. We were both very scared. He cleaned me up, because l wet my pants, while I sobbed loudly. He hurried me out to his truck and drove me to the hospital that is just a mile from our house. He wheeled me in and they took me right back. After tests, observation, the loss of my driving privileges, and a concussion diagnoses – I was sent home. I followed up with my neurologist the very next day. He wrote me out of work for a week to recover. That’s when the #Depression came over me like a fog, getting heavier and thicker as the week progressed. My husband and I quickly recognized that something was very different and not right about me. While waiting a few months to get in with a psychiatrist, my neurologist and PC doctor both tried their hand at prescribing anti depressants to know avail.
My low hit me one night that November. I realized just how suicidal I was and felt sure that my family would be better off without me. Somehow, I had just enough consciousness to tell my spouse exactly what I was thinking. We were up most of the night making plans to keep me alive. I took a leave from work and in time I got on the right medication.
I wandered through a few jobs after having been with the same company for 12 years. I had to take a break from my profession of funeral directing as it was too intense for me while I was in my darkest days. In time I learned to deal with my depression, mostly through distracting myself, which became exhausting. Any time I let my guard down, in my mind, than I would entertain thoughts of not wanting to be alive. I knew I couldn’t let my family down and take my own life so instead I had daily wishes that death would find me. I had many ups and downs for more than 4 years. In 2017 I got diagnosed with #OcularMelanoma (#Cancer on the inside of my right eye), I lost my relationship with my oldest child for personal reasons, I turned 40, and became a workaholic for awhile. Each day I went through the motions of life but had a dark heaviness in my soul. My life felt empty and meaningless. I would mention it to my husband from time to time but we were at a loss.
A woke up at 6am on April 2, 2018 immediately recognizing that I felt unusually light. As I got ready for work I tried to put my finger on it. I recently returned to my original company of 12 years, and now have an amazing manager.. I had just cleared up a nasty sinus infection.. then, driving in my car it finally hit me… I DID NOT WANT TO DIE! The realization brought me to tears. I felt the biggest relief in that moment. All day I thought about this newfound freedom, not telling anyone my secret, not wanting to jinx it. I have had to re-learn what it’s like to have a wide range of emotions. It’s both exciting and terrifying. The first few days I was nervous that I would wake up and be broken again. I am also hyper sensitive to my daily routine since April 2nd hoping to make sure that I do not revert back to a seemingly meaningless life that lacks color.
I had already grieved the loss of my former self because I had felt so disconnected that I didn’t even know how to be “me” anymore. I had become a shell of myself and ended up with no self esteem.
I can’t explain why the intensity of my depression took a dramatic drop on that day. I wish I could understand and offer it to others. I know the darkness that depression brings. By grace I have hope again and feel alive. There is no promise that my happier feelings will stay… So I’ll take it day by day while enjoying this time of light in my life.