A recent article that I read, compelled me to share my story. As an introvert child, I recall so vividly how I always avoided attention from others, and that included being engaged in activities as well as conversation. Hiding ME, to not allow anyone to know the real me. As young as I can remember, as a small child, I remember my parents saying (in a joking manner) “I wish you would shut up”; and as a child I would simply look up and just smile. I would respect others who ask me a question by giving them an answer, but my answer would be very basic. I never gave more information than I needed to, to prevent further engagement. I recall during family gatherings, always sitting in a distance, while my siblings and elders were engaged with each other in conversation and/or chaotic-yet fun activities; watching, listening, studying their behaviors (body language, actions, tone of voice, attitude). Intuitively consuming the reality of who these people really are and how I relate to them…intellectual compatibility, which always lead me to feel very different from the rest. They were all very condescendingly open about who they are, so it wasn’t difficult to understand them. When I did speak, I felt like a display in a museum that others look at with confusion. Which often resulted in no response from them, crickets, then they’d turn away and continue the conversation with each other. Often times, I would get a hostile answer to a question, before I could even finish asking the question. I never felt completely included, only tolerated. I learned at a very early age that my voice fell on deaf ears…my needs, desires, thoughts, feelings, convictions (values and beliefs) didn’t resonate with them, didn’t phase them, and didn’t concern them; and that my silence would enable me to live among them with the peace that I created in my own world, despite the disconnect from those around me. Unless I was physically ill and they were able to visibly “see and confirm” my pain or discomfort, I have always been misunderstood. And today is no different regarding my family in particular.
Fast forward several decades later…with maturity, and self confidence, I gained a voice. And after a lot of trama - horrific experiences; I learned more about my family, including so so many deep, dark, secrets that goes back generations and ultimately destroyed our family as a whole and as individuals due to history that repeated itself. With that voice, I became aware of the importance of my own existence, and fiercely strived to influence my family with my convictions, to shake them into reality. I discovered that anything that regarded “them personally” created toxic conflict, and anything that regarded “me personally”, still fell on deaf ears. But more than anything else, the biggest lesson that I learned is that I wasn’t placed within this family to save “this family”. I was placed in this family to have certain experiences to be inspired to help save others, and in various ways. I learned that I am able to share myself with a few people who do care enough to “invest in me”; and for those who don’t, it’s in my best interests to remain silent.
Music has always been my go-to through the years when processing issues, and especially when I had very little support growing up. I always turn to the song “The Sound of Silence”, and I particularly love the cover by the band called “Disturbed” because it is sung with such passion, and instrumentally it depicts the darkness from which the message is expressing, and I feel the emotions of that message with every fiber of my being! It’s regarding the inability to communicate. Quoting part of the song…“People who talk without speaking…people who hears without listening…people writing songs that voices never shared…and no one dared disturb the sound of silence…Like a cancer, silence grows…But my words, like silent raindrops fell, and echoed in the wells of silence.” Discribed my experience with my family.
Thanks for reading my story. I hope this helps others who have struggled to effectively communicate with certain individuals. To know that there are a few who do know you deep down, who do care about you deep down, who you can be yourself around them, you can tell them your deepest thoughts and feelings, at the very least on Mighty! Finding even one, is better than walking alone. If you haven’t yet found that person, stay hopeful, and keep searching, they are out there. #MightyTogether #Depression #Loneliness #Anxiety
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