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39 Ways to Know You're a Parent

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1. During the first year, you smell like barf, even after you use a wet wipe.

2. You never go to the bathroom alone. You lock the door, you turn the lights off, they know where you are. They will find you. They will yell and bang on the door. They will stick their hands under the door and yell “MOM! MOM! MOM! MA! MA! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOM! MOM!!

3. You step on a Lego and swear. You step on a Hot Wheels car and swear. Giving birth to your children was less painful.

4. You lick your finger and wipe food off your child’s face.

5. You lick your finger to fix your child’s hair.

6. You lick your finger and wipe off your friends’ faces.

7. You fart in public and blame your child.

8. Makeout sessions with your spouse… what are makeout sessions?

9. You go out for dinner with friends, dig through your purse to find your wallet, but all you come up with is a pack of fruit snacks, diapers, wipes, a half eaten sucker and a rattle.

10. You wake up feeling hungover at least once a week, but you haven’t touched a drop of alcohol.

11. Your frequent Internet searches are: How to be a better parent in a week. How to keep your patience when you have none. How to compete with the “other” moms. How to lose 20 pounds in a week. How to stop eating your kids’ leftover food.

12. Your email junk folder is filled with diaper coupons instead of Viagra and vibrator links.

13. Your backseat is filled with juice boxes, crumbs and toys.

14. Your cell phone sits on the table when you go out for dinner with friends because you left the children with dad.

15. You say “just a minute” 50 times a day.

16. You spell out swear words to your friends.

17. You carry Smarties in your purse just in case you need to bribe your offspring.

18. Your back always hurts and your biceps are beautiful from lugging around children.

19. You use your children as an excuse so that you don’t have to go out.

20. Grocery shopping on your own is like going on a vacation.

21. You’ve heated up your coffee five times in an hour.

22. You can sniff out a dirty diaper like nobody’s business.

23. You wipe boogers with your bare hands.

24. You catch another child’s puke in your hands.

25. You hope that it was a raisin that your child just ate, but you aren’t too concerned, they need to build up their immune system.

26. You drive around the community for an extra hour because your children are napping. There is peace.

27. You say “Because I said so” and you don’t care.

28. You hear your mother in your own voice and realize that it’s not so bad.

29. You allow your toddler to wear pajama bottoms, a raincoat and a crown because you want to avoid a full-blown meltdown.

30. There’s a Happy Meal toy in your purse.

31. You don’t even flinch when you tell your child that they need to keep their clothes on in church.

32. You’ve put your cell phone in the fridge.

33. You say “oopsie daisy” and you aren’t even embarrassed.

34. You need to plan out when you can shave your legs.

35. You know “Goodnight Moon” by heart.

36. Three-second rule… that’s a bunch of nonsense.

37. Quiet children = a whole lot of trouble!

38. You cut your spouse’s food into bite-sized pieces.

39. You have never felt a love so overwhelming and beautiful and perfect.

A longer version of this post originally appeared on A Perfect Extra Chromosome.

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Originally published: April 14, 2015
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