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How I Made Peace With My Decision to Have a Hysterectomy

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I had a hysterectomy when I was 27. I had to have my tubes tied at 19, the day after I had my second child. I have two boys and get asked a lot about when I’m going to have another child or try for a girl.

Of course, it hurt to know I would never carry another child before I could even legally drink, but I had to make a choice. If I wanted to be the mom my kids needed and the wife my husband deserved, I couldn’t risk any more kids. I needed to make peace with that.

I have days when I wish I had a baby to snuggle and love. I have made baby blankets for so many knowing I would never make one for myself. 

But then I remember sending my 1-year-old away because I was on bed rest at 22 weeks with my second child and couldn’t care for him. I think of all the times we struggled to keep my sons in so they could get strong enough to survive when they were born. I remember the pain that kept me in bed instead of taking them to the park or the time I almost bled out in front of them. All the times I couldn’t snuggle with my husband because it hurt or I was bleeding too much. And I remember all the sheets I had to throw away because I couldn’t get the stains out.

Was it worth it? Yes! I no longer worry about not being here for my children when they grow up. There will always be a part of me that misses having more children. But my life is better because I made my choice, and I remind myself of the could-have-beens anytime it gets to me. 

I hug babies a little tighter and make blankets that will hold them with a little extra love. I make sure to hug my boys whenever I get the chance and tell them I love them. I cheer on my friends when they have their babies and give them all the unwanted advice I can because life is not worth making yourself miserable over because it didn’t go as planned.

Life happens and there is nothing you can do about it. So you take the good with the bad and let it mold you into a better person — a person you can love and be proud of. In the end, that’s all we have to look back on and make peace with.

Originally published: September 12, 2016
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