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To Those Who Try to Comfort Grieving Parents With, 'You Can Have More'

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My friend lost her daughter a couple of months ago. Within a short period of time, she’s become my dearest grieving momma friend. It’s a tie so strange — it can make you feel like you’ve known a person for years. You skip so many stages and go straight to the heart stage. Grieving moms understand a pain no one should. We can speak volumes to one another in a sentence. We can move mountains with a simple “You’re not alone” because the truth is we’re never alone.

My sweet mama friend Beth and her baby Liv.

This sweet, sweet momma friend of mine celebrated her daughter’s birthday on the beach last month. Her little girl would have been 4, but she passed away a month before. While my friend was on the beach releasing balloons, a woman and her daughter walked by and offered to take a picture. When my friend told them why they were releasing balloons, the woman said to her, “You guys are so young. You can have more.”

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time I heard those words — myself or secondhand from another grieving mom.

While I believe there were good intentions behind the remark, I still have something I want to say, and it all sums up to this: children are irreplaceable. 

I cannot count the number of times I’ve heard a story from another grieving mom where someone told her, “You can still have another” as advice to get through their child’s death.

Let’s be totally honest now — it’s ignorant; and yet, it’s a thought that may have crossed my mind a year ago if I were giving a grieving parent advice.

The change in my perspective occurred after realizing I might lose my son and before I held him as the breath left his lungs.

This is the boy I loved as soon as I saw two pink lines appear on a pregnancy test early one hot July morning. I sat nervously as my husband and baby were sleeping, and as the lines appeared, so did a little spark of love. At that moment, a deep, unbreakable bond was created between a mother and her child.

This is the boy who was placed in my arms and then taken right away. For the first time, I realized the universal, unspoken fear of every parent could become my reality.

This is the boy who grew and healed with a strength that could not be rivaled.

This is the boy who searched for my voice across the room and whose face lit up at the site of his momma, the one who knew him like the back of her hand.

The boy who fit perfectly in my arms with his face nestled into my neck.

This is my boy.

The one I’ve cried a million tears for. I will cry millions more until we’re reunited.

My boy. My son. My child.

He is irreplaceable.

And I say this to all of you… Each child is special. We love them uniquely. If we’re blessed with enough time with our children, we get to know their personalities, their quirks, their sweet side. We get to know their favorite things to do — whether it’s how they like to be held or what their favorite foods are. We learn them and we love them, and a place grows in our hearts exclusively meant for them, and when they leave our arms, that place still stays, and it aches.

Trust me, it aches.

Maybe over time the ache lessens, but it’s still always there, and it sits with an emptiness, with the lack of their presence, a longing to hold them tight and a hope for the day when we will be together again. Maybe over time, the ache quiets, but that place in our hearts made for them, it stays forever. Our children are irreplaceable.

In our hearts. In our families. In this world, our children are forever irreplaceable. No matter how many more children a person can have, there’s no possible way to replace the void another child left. No possible way. They’re forever ours, no matter if they’re still in our arms. They are irreplaceable.

They are forever irreplaceable.

This post originally appeared on Scribbles & Crumbs.

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Originally published: April 10, 2015
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