The Promise a Special Needs Mom Makes to Her Child When Days Are Rough

My Dearest Sasha,

When you were a heartbeat within my own, oh, the dreams and plans I had for you.

Never in a million years did my plans involve the quiet hum of hospital pumps.

The urgent screams of monitors intermittently interrupting our slumber as we count the hours until daylight.

Counting breaths instead of moments.

Some nights are harder than others. And tonight, I can’t help but weep for your tiny little heart. You see, I always thought those precious lips would sing with joyful laughter, not cry out in fear or pain.

Those eyes… I hoped they would only see the splendor of this earth, not pour out the hurt that overflows from within.

Those ears… I prayed they would only hear giggles and songs of happiness that swell from your heart. I never thought they’d be hearing the monotonous alarms going off next to your bed.

I always hoped those tiny little toes would feel the warm sand or cool water rushing around them. I never imagined they would know the feeling of the adhesive of a pulse oximeter squeezing tightly.

I always wanted those tiny sweet hands to hold your dreams. I never for one second thought they would ever clutch starchy white sheets in pain.

I always thought your arms would know only warm embraces. I never — for one second — thought they would bear the scars of countless IVs.

My precious sweet sunshine, you should drift off to sleep in peace. I always thought that’s how things were going to be. You deserve that.

I can’t promise you that every tomorrow will be beautiful, peaceful, gentle or merciful to you. As a matter of fact, my heart breaks a little more each and every moment that passes by because a lot of your “todays” have been pretty rough lately.

But I promise you I will never stop trying to make it so your lips sing with joyful praise; your eyes see the splendor of this earth; your ears hear the giggles and songs of happiness that swell from within your heart; your toes feel the warmth of the sand and the coolness of the ocean kissing them every chance we get; your hands reach out to hold mine in peaceful moments as we carry your dreams together; your arms would know more warm embraces; and your heart would know sweet peace. I would go to the ends of this earth for you to give you that peace.

I believe the Lord only knows why He chose you to live this life, to walk this path, to know this suffering — and I struggle with that — but I trust in Him, and I trust that He is with you, that He will never leave or forsake you, that He will mend you in the broken places and make you stronger.

Someday, my Sweet Sunshine, we will all understand why things have to be the way they are. But until then, I believe I will rest in the knowledge that our God is bigger, stronger and mightier than anything that can happen to us.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mom

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