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The Fears I'm Letting Go as I Search for a Diagnosis

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Someone I greatly admire once wrote we should never be fearless, as that can get us in trouble, and instead be brave. I disagree. I think I can be very brave, but I need to be fearless as well.

I have lived with fear. It has robbed me of people, experiences and memories I could have kept. It has stolen the possibility of, well, possibilities. My inability to fight it has caused me to be frozen, trapped… unable to do things I should and unable to stop doing things that weren’t good for me.

No one wants to be sick or feel sick. No one really wants a diagnosis other than perfectly healthy. However, when your body feels anything but healthy, when it betrays you and confuses you, you damn well want to know the reason why. My reasoning is that I needed to wake up within my life and this is how the universe conspired to do it. I ignored too many nudges, too many signs to stop being fearful and now I believe it has physically manifested as disease.

And I certainly don’t want to stay in this place, this wasteland of unknown disease of unknown etiology and ever worsening days and nights. Along the edges of this rotten place is the shadow of depression who moves in little closer every time I feel badly or defensive of my inability to do something I could before. This is not anywhere I want to visit, much less live.

So, fearlessly I must move on… forward. I hesitate to say straight ahead. I know this road is going to have curves, bumps, hills and detours. I won’t be fearful of the of the doctors who don’t have answers. I will look for one that does. I won’t be fearful of the ones who dismiss me or because they can only see what they look for. I will find one who can see beyond the surface.

I will be afraid, but fearless, in committing my time and energy to the search. I will be afraid of all that entails. I will be afraid of the changes that will most likely happen when a diagnosis is finally confirmed. I will be afraid of what I know I will lose because of it.

What I won’t be is fearful. I won’t be trapped or frozen. This beautiful, messy thing called life is staring me down. I believe this is life challenging me. It knows what I have let pass me by. This is life making me choose. I can choose my fear and stay here. Or, I can be fearless and see what’s beyond. I think I am literally sick with fear… because of fear.

This is my lesson. Fearlessly I will learn it.

Originally published: July 7, 2016
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