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When I Live-Tweeted Through a Panic Attack

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I just finished dinner. It was great. One of my favorites. There’s a sudden pain in my chest. I’m worrying, no fixating on the pain. What is it? Why did it start. My body starts to kick in adrenaline as it is now acting in a flight or flight response. It’s screaming run but there is no where to run to. I start to tear up because I hate this rush of adrenaline. It’s making me much more anxious.

Now I feel like I can’t breathe. No matter how much I try to breathe through my stomach, it’s not helping. I can only pull off shallow breaths barely raising the chest. Now I’m panicking. Who do I turn to? Where do I run? I can’t run cause I can barely breathe. Can I text this person? No they hate me. What about this person? No I don’t want to bother them. My nose starts leaking as I’m coming to terms that I may die. Right now. Yes. Right. Now. My brain knows I won’t but my body is sending signals “We’re dying dude. Say your prayers.”

I hate this. I hate this feeling. I am trying all of my tricks and techniques combined. I’m slowly gathering some sort of control and texted an ex that I was having a panic attack. She reminded me to breathe. I didn’t want to bother her but I also needed someone, anyone to know I was going to die. All of my thoughts are negative. “They hate you. Who? All of them.” “You’re a joke.”

As I begin to take deeper breaths, I can see a dim light at the end of the tunnel. But shit, the tunnel is dark, yet so damn familiar. I say hi to the demons I pass as I head towards the light that keeps getting brighter. I’m headed towards it all while I am bawling my eyes out with snot dripping down everywhere.

I’m making it out alive. I’m going to survive. But what about the next one?

Some points: If not for autocorrect, you wouldn’t be able to read any of this. And please please please stop telling people to just “Get over it” or “Push through it.” Or ask them “Why do you think this way?” If we knew that, trust me, we wouldn’t think this way anymore. This took about 20-25 minutes real time from start to near finish. I feel like I just ran a marathon. My anxiety still sits at an 8/10 for me and is lowering slowly.

See my original Twitter thread

Image via Twitter

Originally published: November 14, 2022
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