I’ve had a rough relationship with hope lately.
And headed into my apt. with my new urologist today.
I felt like I was getting a fast pass on the bullet train to failureville.
As I’ve stated before lately. It seems like lately.. all the doctors who want to help me.. can’t because it’s not in there field..
And all the doctors who can help me.. truly just don’t give a dang or even try.

I’ve been fighting for my answers and for my health for so long.
And lately it’s seemed like it’s been with little to no evail.

And I’ve kept on wondering
“Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over.. and over.. and expecting a different result?”

Is the fact that I keep on going to doctors, hoping for answers..
and having. Hope in general.
Bordering insanity ?

What’s the point.. what’s the point of going to doctors.. what’s the point of trying.. if nothing is going to change.

So I went to this urologist.. prepared for disappointment.
And I left. With laughter.. the worlds weirdest homework ( which I will go into detail about later 😂.. possibly even in a Vlog.. I feel like I need to share more about my life so I’m trying to do more vlogging)

And believe it or not just a smidge of hope.

Throughout the day.
I hid kindness rocks.
I gave candy to strangers.
I did little things that brought me joy.. and hoped they would brighten someone else’s day to.

But they helped me honestly admit.

That I’m kind of pissed off at life right now.
I feel like crap.. I mean I really.. truly. Honestly feel TERRIBLE.
and I’m
Scared.. I’m really freaking scared.
My health makes me feel worthless half the time.
I hate that so much of my life is out of my control.
And it’s not fair that things feel so hard right now.
When I’m trying so hard to do everything right.

Half the time I want to cry
( but for some reason I have the worlds hardest time crying)
Half the time I want to punch something.
And the other times.. I just feel exhausted.

And wonder.. how can I make the difference I want to make in this world.. how can I be as grateful as I should be.. how can I be what I should be..
When all I feel is exhausted?

But then one little post to my wall.
Showing someone actually found one of the rocks I hid.
Brought some much needed light.
To what’s been a pretty dark week.

Maybe the small and simple acts.
Truly matter after all ❤️.

Maybe not today. Maybe not to tomorrow.
But some day. everything will
Finally feel ok❤️.

#smileon 🐷 #thekindnessrocksproject #sickchickstrong #peoplehopetribe #memberofthechurchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints