I am not sure how to begin this.

So I have the holidays coming up, but as of lately, I have lacked a lot of holiday cheer due to a toxic family I visit just because I have a loving mother who's helped me out with so much so she's the only reason I come around during the holidays.

If my mother wasn't alive ,I wouldn't even bother visiting my toxic family who's filled with the toxins of marijuana, opiods, meth and zero accountability. It's affected me so much for years, and it's caused me to lose motivation to do anything I even like such as IT work, gym or even being with friend.

I even try to keep to myself , but I have a colleague named Stanley who likes to make a joke of it. it's gotten so bad that I would tell "Santa" that I don't want a lump of coal in my stocking , but a bottle of tasteless poison just so I can consume it amd then die in the river. he plays it off like he misunderstood my comment and it isn't funny. Before any of you comment, I already put him in his place by expressing simply "Look Stanley, you're a nice and funny man, but I'm going through the blues because I hate holidays and I'm just depressed okay?" and he seemed to accept that.

Do you find it weird that i would take a thing of poison instead of even a lump of coal in my stocking?

If I were to lose my mother to death, I will not have any more family to visit anymore thus making long distance travel utterly pointless. even then, I don't think friends I have would have room for me even though they claim they would. Even then, I would feel like a major burden to anyone on this planet :'( , I just wonder why I'm even alive...