When You Bury Your Trauma in Mental ’Storage Boxes’
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There are all these boxes in my head. Each one holds demons and emotions I can’t or won’t deal with at the moment. I feel like, if I stuff something in a box and put it aside, eventually it will suffocate and die. I won’t ever have to deal with what’s inside.
Things that happened to me as a child have a big box in that space. Hurts and grievances are stored here also. Things that I can’t make sense of are kept in a box. I walk around with a positive attitude, smiling and laughing, but all the while I have a storage room in my mind and heart that is dark, damp, cold and scary.
Sometimes the things in a box do die and stay stuffed in a box. Other times, these demons are scratching and screaming, working on coming out, determined I deal with them head on. I refuse to; I won’t. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of the feelings these demons evoke.
This system has worked up until my 40th year of life. At 40, all these demons have awoken and are fighting for their lives. They have to come out and breathe. I’m overwhelmed with feelings and emotions I’ve never dealt with. I don’t know how to do what is being asked of me.
On top of all of this, there are new hurts I’m trying to store. Nothing is working. There is not enough tape in the world to keep them closed.
While I’m dealing with all this, I’m stuck in the house because I’m scared of the world. I’m probably not dealing well, but I’m trying. Unfortunately, when these boxes open, all I know to do is fight. That looks like me pushing everyone away. Acting out in anger. Striking first before someone strikes me.
Being aware of what I’m doing and knowing this is not healthy is a good starting place for fixing this. Through therapy and medication management, I will prevail. I have lost some battles but I refuse to lose the war.
Keep swinging, my peeps. We’ve got this.
Photo by Aljoscha Laschgari on Unsplash