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Why I Feel Guilty for Having PTSD

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You can’t see my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You can’t even tell most of the time when it’s affecting me. Most people don’t even really remember the incident that happened when I got PSTD, but I do. Every. Single. Day. There is not a day since that I haven’t thought of it, gotten anxiety because of it or gotten scared because of it.

• What is PTSD?

My incident happened and then people moved on, and I truly try to move on the best I can. But today, there was an incident similar — and to be honest considerably worse than my own — in a city right next to mine, where my kids go to school. I’ve been crying on and off, sitting on my couch, for the last 45 minutes. I am melting into my PSTD. I am brought back to the moments my life changed. I am recalling every moment of pain and suffering I have largely dealt with alone over the past 2 years.

I hate that PTSD is invisible and feel guilty for having it. I feel like I always have to explain myself and that people will get annoyed with me and not understand since there is still a stigma around mental illness, and these syndromes you can’t detect with just your eyes. I hate that I suffer every day. I hate that my life was changed in an instant and if I get brought to a situation that makes me face this, I hate that I am so resentful that it happened to me.

I strive so hard, every day of my life, to be positive. I want to be a positive influence in other people’s lives. I want to be what I want in my life. I hate that there are days when this is taken from me and I feel like my life has just done nothing but fall apart in ways that may seem small and trivial to most, but added up overwhelms me completely.

I wish I didn’t have to deal with this, but even more so hope and pray that people don’t have to go through this either. Knowing there are others who struggle because of situations largely (or completely) out of their control hurts me to my core. I would never wish this upon anyone else and knowing there are people today who will probably walk away from their life-changing event suffering too is absolutely killing me. I wish I could tell you I haven’t been sitting on my couch crying for over an hour.

I wish there was no such thing as PSTD.

Photo by Asdrubal luna on Unsplash

Originally published: June 6, 2018
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