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The One Song That's the Anthem to My PTSD

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“Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion.”

• What isPTSD?

I love music — especially songs with meaning. I have adopted “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten as an anthem for my life through my struggle with anxiety, depression and PTSD. The upbeat rhythm and powerful words demand I sing along. I also have a feisty side this song feeds into. The lyrics seem to follow a path I also went down.

“And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?” 

I go through these moods where I want to make a change. I want to do something that matters. That’s one reason I started writing. It’s always been a great way for me to use my voice. “Can you hear my voice this time?”  

“This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.”

This chorus is what really gets to me. I am ready and willing to fight. I’ve been doing it for years. I have fought for my health and my life in ways you couldn’t even imagine. I fight for myself in order to advocate for my needs. I am taking back my needs and proving I’m alright. I have power. “And I don’t really care if nobody else believes, ’cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.” 

I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I am starting to be OK with all of who I am. Excluding a few friends and family I’m closest to, I don’t care what other people think of me. This is my life. This is who I am. If you can’t accept that, if you can’t make time for me, if you can’t support me, then I don’t need you in my life. “Like how a single word can make a heart open. I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.” 

Getty image via LanaBrest

Originally published: March 19, 2018
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