'Teen Mom OG' Star Says 'It Doesn't Feel Good to Be Alive Right Now'

Reality TV star Amber Portwood opened up experiencing postpartum depression after having her son James on the season finale of “Teen Mom OG,” which aired on Monday. In a conversation with her cousin Krystal, she shared she had contemplated suicide:

There was a night that I was waiting for [boyfriend Andrew Glennon] and James to go to bed so I could kill myself. For some odd reason, [Glennon] could feel it and he’s like, ‘I’m not going to bed…’ It doesn’t feel good to go and do things, it doesn’t feel good to be alive right now.

Later on in the episode, she explained how she was feeling to her co-star Catelynn Baltierra, who was hospitalized at the end of last year for her own struggle with suicidal thoughts.

“I’m just at my end,” Portwood told her. “I’m literally, I feel like I’m at my lowest right now. I’m not… I have no will. I’m not living for myself at the moment.”

Portwood, who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder (BPD), said online bullying contributed to her mental health struggles and decision to quit the show.

Mental illness is real sh*t… It’s real. I just happen to be on a popular show with a mental illness that is real. It’s complete sabotage when you’re called a horrible mom every day… This show has ruined my name. This show has not shown who I am as a person. They don’t show the funny side of me, they show bad mom, they show all that sh*t, they show the struggle, they show me crying, they show postpartum. So I go, OK, that’s what’s going on in my life so I guess that’s true. I’m over it.

If you’ve ever experienced shame or bullying as a mom struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, you’re not alone. Mighty contributor Meghan Hart shared some supportive words in her piece, “To the Suicidal Mama Fighting to Stay Alive for Her Kids“:

Sure, the kids will eat pop tarts in the car for dinner and you haven’t showered in four days and you’re living on a diet of drive thru coffee and your kid’s left-overs, but none of that matters because you’re still here. You’re still fighting — despite everything.

I see you, mama, fighting against all odds because your children need you. I see you struggle and I see you persevere because there is nothing more powerful than your will to protect your kids. They don’t know it yet, but their mom is a warrior, a queen, a saint, a testament to the unyielding power of love.

If this news is hard for you, know you are not alone — and there is help for people who are feeling suicidal. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.