It’s terrifying to open up and let yourself be vulnerable sometimes. My blog is called “Smiles in the Trials,” and I truly strive to find the joy and positive in each day, however I feel like I would be lying or misrepresenting if I didn’t let you in to see the horrible moments too. I wrote this last week before I left for a road trip for autonomic testing. Please be kind as you see the raw truth that is postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome.
POTS really, really sucks sometimes. This is one of those times. I have to be off my medication for at least five days before my autonomic testing. I’m thankful for the opportunity to see another specialist who may have some new ideas. I’m thankful for the opportunity to have testing done by true professionals who do it every day.
But this really sucks.
I’m done with dizziness. I’m done with the room spinning and my body constantly feeling like it’s floating or like I’m on a boat.
I’m done with nausea. I’m done being hungry with stomach pain and picking my meal by deciding what I wanna throw up.
I’m done seeing spots and hearing buzzing. I’m done with the incessant leg, hip, ankle, neck, back, wrist and forearm pain.
I’m done with the pounding headache.
I’m done crying nonstop, which I’m sure is helping the headache.
I don’t share these feelings because I want sympathy. I am sharing because if I truly want to raise awareness, I know I have to be honest in these horrible moments too. Now don’t be mean and make fun of my mid-cry face. Pretty criers are only on TV and in the movies.
The positives I was able to come up with today are as follows:
1. I have my husband. He always finds ways to make me laugh. Today he threatened to let the fainting goats in the house if I didn’t stop crying.
2. TBS must know I’m having a rough day. They showed “Horrible Bosses” followed by “We’re the Millers.” If there is one thing I love, it’s a movie with Jennifer Aniston and Jason Sudeikis.
3. My parents offered to bring anything I want for dinner later. I see Sprite, ginger ale and crackers in my future!
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Amy Keys was diagnosed with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), a form of dysautonomia, in 2015. She now writes a blog about her comical life dealing with chronic illness while deliberately choosing to find joy and smiles in every day. Follow along on her blog Smiles in the Trials.
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