TRIG warning****

i hocked a loogie by the outside wall of the church on our way back to class.

all my life I wondered why from a young age I got repulsed sitting in church and quit going since 9 years old.

30 years went by before the memories began flashing back.

i struggled with sexual dissociation/promiscuity/ in young adulthood.

over the course of a few months during therapy for other matters, some more bits of memories would start piecing together. I didn't feel comfortable discussing this with my therapist.

i cried in silence for weeks before telling my husband.

i was 8. in catholic school.

classes were marched from interparochial school, into church, for confessions.

i was a goody-twoshoes and struggled to give an answer and came up with coveting an extra cookie.

He was a visiting priest.

he needed to pray directly on my chest for my forgiveness and said it would be a lot of work for him to find god's mercy to come thru him for me and it would take time but if i closed my eyes and was patient and prayed hard with him, perhaps God would think I was deserving of a special Forgiveness, but that if and when it arrived I would have to be fast and swallow it before it vanished or i would lose it forever.

he produced for me

God's special Blessing of forgiveness to consume. then he told me not to tell others about my special blessing because it would make other kids jealous.

told be to button back up my shirt. offered me a glass of water. then gave me my exorbitant prayer penance assignment. i was impatient to exit the room for the uncomfortableness of the temperature and smell.

He said maybe next time I'll see you again.

the chaperone asked me why I was in there for so long.

then told me you're not going to want to remember this, you should try very hard to forget;

then sat me next to someone else and said we might have things in common and might become friends but we shouldn't talk until i completed my 200 our fathers/hail Maries assigned by the priest. i remember her scowl and whispered words when i sat next to her. he touched me! someone from behind shushed us. she wouldn't tell me what she meant. I didn't understand who she had referred to. life went on. I adopted a multi denominational chaste spirituality approach in my teens. but at a certain point in adulthood the glue holding the pieces together cracked away.

i've frequently had trouble not hallucinating the devil coming to attack me thru my permanent sexual partner.

it torments me. when that happens I make up some excuse to disengage or I get lost and check out.

I keep busy, refragmenting, reorganizing, retroanalysing everything. i don't know what to do with these pieces of my life.

error008. present self not found.

#priestchildabusesurvivor #priest #priestabuse

#SexualAbuse #chronicillnessmentalhealth

#PTSD #sexualhealth #SexualTrauma