sexual trauma

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This week has been a challenge. Lots of life stuff happening setting off triggers left and right. Flashbacks. Dark thoughts. Rumination has been especially bad, I find myself standing frozen in one spot, lost in thought. There have been a lot of tears. My oldest son also turned 40 this week. He loves my lasagna. So I made lasagna tonight for dinner tomorrow. I put on my headphones and set Pandora to my California Dreamin' station. First up was "Turn, Turn, Turn" by The Byrds. As I moved around the kitchen, getting out my ingredients, listening to the headphones, I started to swing my hips. I started to swivel a little. I put the ground meet in the skillet and watched as it sizzled. I danced over to the counter and measured to the sounds of the Beach Boys. Thoughts of the worries of the week tried once or twice to break through but I stirred the sauce in the pot, watching the tomato puree swirl and allow the basil to blend in, bringing myself back to this lovely moment. And I swayed along as Bob Dylan crooned about Knockin' On Heaven's Door, a smile on my face. A smile. My husband told me, "Take note, making lasagna needs to be on your list", referring to my #selfcare list. This was a magical, healing sixty minutes. Amazing.

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Community Voices

I've been meeting with my therapist weekly for about four years. I've had many counselors in my life, starting at the age of 23. No one has impacted my life as much as this therapist, we'll call him J. He has helped me with many things but I think the most impactful has been the practice I've gotten having a relationship with someone who has consistently been there. We talk about relational trauma in this PTSD group. A big part of relational trauma is living without knowing how to trust. J has taught me how to trust. But I still don't feel like I know how. Even with J. He has given me wide access to him. I can message with him between sessions. We have learned that one of my main triggers happens after I send a message to him. If the content of the message is vulnerable, I will frequently trigger into an emotional flashback while waiting for a reply. It's rejection. I convince myself I'm being burdensome, that J is sick and tired of hearing from me. We have openly talked about this, he knows I get triggered, we have set up extremely clear boundaries so I know how long he might take to respond. He sometimes will say at the end of his reply to me that I can respond. He can't make it more clear that I am welcome to message. And yet. Life has thrown a pretty serious curve ball at me this past weekend. J got me in so I could meet with him on Monday. Today I'm spiraling down and feel like I am completely and totally alone. I can't think of anyone to reach out to who I could talk to. Meaning when I get like this words fail me. I can write, I can't talk. And when I'm like that the isolation is big. I have cried a lot today. And I feel so alone, who do I reach out to? It feels like I should have a friend I can talk to. But again, it feels like I'm too burdensome. So it feels like there's no friend I can reach out to and I'm convinced my therapist is sick of me. I can't seem to figure out how to be this depressed and be allowed to ask for help at the same time. I second guess myself, I tell myself people are going to be sick of hearing from me, that the way I worded that sentence is so stupid, on and on. I can't reach out to friends because they seem to disappear eventually. I try so hard to not talk about me and my problems. Do I still say too much and run people off or do they get bored with me because I don't say anything? I honestly don't know which extreme is more true. How am I supposed to learn how to live among humans when I'm so certain that I'm poison? How do you know when it's ok to reach out to a friend or when you're being too much? We're told to reach out, but to who? And when is it ok? And how open can I be? How vulnerable?

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Community Voices

So much stuff!!!

I have been having a really hard time and it’s been a reallly long year for my family.
About me I have Fibro, RA, IC/BPS, sciatica AS, DDD, SpinalFusion spinalstenosis etc..

I have my oldest brother who had a stroke this year. We have always spoken and never had and any issues ( unlike my other siblings that’s another post).

When I was younger my brother more than once sexually assaulted me.
I don’t know if it actually considered that
I was sexually assaulted by my father when I was a child and raped at 15 by an older man.

My brother who is 20 years older than me tried to kiss me on more than one occasion this was when I was in elementary school. He I found out a few years ago was also along with my brothers and my sister were sexually assaulted by my father as well.

So the situation is idkw but after he had his stroke I just couldn’t speak to him.
I did only speak to him because of my mother. I did tell my mother when I was younger and I can only say she made excuses for him and begged me not to not talk to him.

I love my mother very much and we have a very good relationship except for this issue. So I haven’t spoken to him since his stroke and I feel extremely guilty for it.
He has been trying to get in contact with me but I have thwarted contact.

My husband knows and of course he says I should not feel guilty and doesn’t understand why I had been talking to him all these years.
I don’t know if I should say something to my mom who is 85. I don’t think it would do anything but upset her or cause and arguement. Or bother saying anything to my brother. Which idkw I feel bad saying anything which doesn’t make sense.
I know I should have gone to therapy years ago but does anyone have any suggestions how I should proceed in the interim ?

#SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAssault #SexualAbuse #SexualAssaultSurvivors #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #SexualTrauma #SexualAssaultAwarenessMonth #RheumatoidArthritis #Fibromyalgia #Fibro #InterstitialCystitis #sciatica #DDD #AnkylosingSpondylitis #painfulbladdersyndrome #LymeDisease #ChronicIlless #ChronicLymeDisease #LymeWarrior #Spoonie #PituitaryTumors #PituitaryTumor #SpinalFusion #gastric sleeve surgery #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #PTSD

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Community Voices

Letter To Younger Self #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #SexualTrauma #Survivor

Dear Younger Self,

Embrace where you are. Your home, the nature that surrounds you. Wake up every morning and let the mountain air carry you away, the thick scent of pine, the pinks and purples of the mountains beyond; know that you are a part of something so much larger than yourself. In whatever struggle you find yourself in through life just know that you are never alone. Even when you feel like there is no one around you, realize that you are there for yourself. I cannot shield you from the horrors that have yet to come your way, but please do not blame yourself for the actions of others. Do not make your life choices based off the actions of others. You are in control of yourself, of where you go, of what you do, and the experiences life is going to throw at you will only prove to you that you are strong. You are so resilient, passionate and strong. Never lose sight of who you are at your core. Don’t sacrifice yourself for anyone or anything, but remember that any energy you give to the world will later be returned to you. I don’t have to tell you to be patient, honest, or kind because these are things that are embodied in you. Above all else, you are loyal. The value you place on loyalty is what gives you your resilience. You are loyal to others, you are understanding of their emotional needs and the actions they take because of them. You’ve always been loyal to yourself though. You give to others without expecting anything in return, you value the smallest things in life and allow yourself to feel charged by the simplicity of nature. You have loyalty to yourself because you are self aware enough to understand that all the bad things that happen to you are not happening to break you down into nothing, but to teach you how to grow. Don’t be ashamed of your inability to feel certain emotions like others do because it is not a weakness. There is nothing wrong with you. You are self aware enough to analyze your emotions rather than feel them. You are rational, and everything you do is filled with purpose and good intent. It’s not a handicap to be unable to express emotions as others do, it is only proof of your resilience. Of your loyalty to self to keep moving forward no matter what happens. It allows you have the courage to make sacrifices that others wouldn’t dare to make. This part of you, this immense and unique energy of your soul, is what keeps you alive, it is what keeps you appreciative of everything you have in this world, good or bad. Let your own insight guide you, and stay true to the words you create. In writing you are a prophet. In soul you are so much more powerful than you could ever realize.
To be a hero you must be brave. To be brave you must be afraid. To be afraid you must have fears. To conquer them you must be patient yet fierce.
There is no light without darkness and there is no darkness without light.
Let your soul and your intuition be your guiding light through the darkness. Let your consciousness be your tool to process and collect the information the world teaches you in the dark.

Community Voices

Feeling sad comes and goes in waves…

<p>Feeling sad comes and goes in waves…</p>
4 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Community Voices
Community Voices

Over sexual due to past trauma?

Recently I have had a huge realization about myself. I wouldn’t say I am an extremely over sexual person, just in relationships really. And I realized this is because of the previous sexual abuse I endured in relationships when I would say no. When you think of r*pe survivors some may never want to have sex after, but my therapist told me the opposite may happen as well. I am very enthusiastic to have sex in a relationship because im scared what would happen when I say no. It’s a way to protect myself because if I’m not sexual enough or say no I will get r*ped. Does anyone else struggle with this? I don’t want to be this way anymore #SexualAssault #PTSD #SexualTrauma

5 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Community Voices

Nowhere to go from here

<p>Nowhere to go from here</p>
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