sexual trauma

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sexual trauma
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    Never-ending

    I don’t feel like I’m ever going to make it out of this pit, I’ve received another denial from disability. Called church after church looking for assistance, I feel like I’m being lowered into insanity. My paranoia hit an all time high last night when I kept looking out of my back window thinking I’m seeing people standing on the other side. Hearing people walk around my home when I’m alone. Seeing blips of shadows everywhere , always feeling alone and watched at the same time. I calm down just to panic at the slightest noise or movement, it’s ruining my mind to be in this state for so long. The medications I’ve been on havent been a good fit yet unfortunately, I start one for one issue just to have it exacerbate another issue. I can’t keep having the same dreams of memories that I don’t want to see, it just leads to harm and purposefully staying awake for days at a time. Everything is a cycle and I don’t want to be apart of the cycle any longer. #PTSD #SexualTrauma #Suicide #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #Insomnia #Anxiety #ChronicDepression #MentalHealth #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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    Public Bathrooms

    Yesterday, I ran into a man in a public bathroom.
    I felt immediate distress and anxiety and then also guilt for feeling that.
    The distress and anxiety are there, because I was sexually violated in a bathroom when I was about three years old. And yet, in public spaces, I often use the bathroom to destress and find relative peace again. Bathrooms are my safe spaces in the middle of chaotic restaurants, railway stations and airports. Normally, they don’t remind me of my childhood trauma anymore, unless they use a cleaning agent with a specific smell.
    Until yesterday that is.
    The guilt was there, because I noticed myself wishing for ‘female only’ bathrooms, a very unpopular view and I understand the reason for that. But shouldn’t all of us be able to feel safe? #GenderIdentity #SexualTrauma

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    I saw my abusers dad in the supermarket yesterday and walked right past him. I realised when he stood up who he was. I was so scared. This is the father of the guy who abused me. This is the guy who got a church to lie for his son because he has power in the community. This is the guy who’s a massive voice in education in the United Kingdom, and some how got his abusive son a job in a school as a teacher. This is the guy who got his abusive son a radio show. This guy knows his son has abused several girls. This guy is the reason I won’t get justice.

    #Abuse #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Teacher #SexualAssault #SexualAbuse #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #SexualAssaultSurvivors #scared #Radio #SexualTrauma #Trauma

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    Being put down

    Why do some family members feel the need to put you down all the time!? Clearly I can’t do anything right. I’m going through my own problems with trauma, I shouldn’t have to have the pressure put on me from Grandparents and other people. I’m angry one has turned down having help after an Operation and leaving me to do it all. Then when I have an appointment I’m told I’m the hypochondriac. I’m sick and tired of being put down all the time and being bitched about behind my back and having other people I love have the same thing happen. No one deserves that!

    #Family #FamilyAndFriends #Anxiety #SexualTrauma #Suicide #SexualAbuse #PTSD #CPTSD #endsexualviolence #SexualViolence #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors

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    September

    It’s that time of the year again. September. September is when my birthday is. Every year since the assaults I’ve hated it. It reminds me I’m still a live and going through the trauma. #BeKind21 #CheckInWithMe #SexualViolence #Depression #PanicAttacks #Birthdays #Birthday #PTSD #SexualAssault #lonely #Anxiety #SexualTrauma

    Question

    For those with #SexualTrauma , how did you (or have you) discovered the #triggers for your #PTSD ?

    In my twenties, I experienced a total of 7 sexual traumas, from sexual assault, to molestation, to #Daterape . I was also drinking heavily at the time. Now, I’ve been married almost 11 years, have cut down my #Drinking (no drunkenness), but randomly I get #triggered , and it’s so bad I can’t let my husband touch me past anything but a hug. One time, it took a full year to get over one of these spells. My problem is, I don’t know what sets me off! Sometimes I’ll get creeped out by a strange person, or overhear conversations, but nothing concrete. Any suggestions? Should I try EMDR (again- I tried it a few sessions, but maybe the therapist wasn’t the right fit)?
    Sorry this was so long. For context, I am a 37 yr old straight female married to a man. All assaults were perpetrated by men. None were caught or prosecuted. No Justice. #MeToo

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    Violently Needy #SexualTrauma #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Survivor #DomesticViolence #intimatepartnerviolence

    Dark Eyes
    Violent
    Set upon a twisted face
    Of someone I once knew
    A love and my best friend
    Now the smirk creeps in
    Like the invisible dark fog
    That is as thick as your dark hair
    A pause, Then
    “That gives me an idea though”
    Then
    A violent attack
    So unlike you
    But I’ve seen those dark eyes
    Mad, animalistic, hungry
    Once before
    Which was more than enough
    I had cast it out and you fell on the floor
    Sobbing
    But now I am screaming
    “What are you doing”
    I’m frantically dialing
    Behind your back
    As you forced me down onto mine
    And frenically tear at my pant’s ties
    Operator on speaker
    To me, an angel’s voice
    To you, exposure
    You hop off me and scream
    Hurl chocolate pudding at me
    And like blood, it splatters all over the floor,
    The walls,
    Once our home
    You tried to steal my power
    The rights of ME
    You tried and you failed
    But even if you had succeeded
    You’d still have failed
    Because
    You can’t take real power
    By being a coward
    Of your own internal disgrace

    Post

    So much stuff!!!

    I have been having a really hard time and it’s been a reallly long year for my family.
    About me I have Fibro, RA, IC/BPS, sciatica AS, DDD, SpinalFusion spinalstenosis etc..

    I have my oldest brother who had a stroke this year. We have always spoken and never had and any issues ( unlike my other siblings that’s another post).

    When I was younger my brother more than once sexually assaulted me.
    I don’t know if it actually considered that
    I was sexually assaulted by my father when I was a child and raped at 15 by an older man.

    My brother who is 20 years older than me tried to kiss me on more than one occasion this was when I was in elementary school. He I found out a few years ago was also along with my brothers and my sister were sexually assaulted by my father as well.

    So the situation is idkw but after he had his stroke I just couldn’t speak to him.
    I did only speak to him because of my mother. I did tell my mother when I was younger and I can only say she made excuses for him and begged me not to not talk to him.

    I love my mother very much and we have a very good relationship except for this issue. So I haven’t spoken to him since his stroke and I feel extremely guilty for it.
    He has been trying to get in contact with me but I have thwarted contact.

    My husband knows and of course he says I should not feel guilty and doesn’t understand why I had been talking to him all these years.
    I don’t know if I should say something to my mom who is 85. I don’t think it would do anything but upset her or cause and arguement. Or bother saying anything to my brother. Which idkw I feel bad saying anything which doesn’t make sense.
    I know I should have gone to therapy years ago but does anyone have any suggestions how I should proceed in the interim ?

    #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAssault #SexualAbuse #SexualAssaultSurvivors #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #SexualTrauma #SexualAssaultAwarenessMonth #RheumatoidArthritis #Fibromyalgia #Fibro #InterstitialCystitis #sciatica #DDD #AnkylosingSpondylitis #painfulbladdersyndrome #LymeDisease #ChronicIlless #ChronicLymeDisease #LymeWarrior #Spoonie #PituitaryTumors #PituitaryTumor #SpinalFusion #gastric sleeve surgery #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #PTSD

    Post

    Letter To Younger Self #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #SexualTrauma #Survivor

    Dear Younger Self,

    Embrace where you are. Your home, the nature that surrounds you. Wake up every morning and let the mountain air carry you away, the thick scent of pine, the pinks and purples of the mountains beyond; know that you are a part of something so much larger than yourself. In whatever struggle you find yourself in through life just know that you are never alone. Even when you feel like there is no one around you, realize that you are there for yourself. I cannot shield you from the horrors that have yet to come your way, but please do not blame yourself for the actions of others. Do not make your life choices based off the actions of others. You are in control of yourself, of where you go, of what you do, and the experiences life is going to throw at you will only prove to you that you are strong. You are so resilient, passionate and strong. Never lose sight of who you are at your core. Don’t sacrifice yourself for anyone or anything, but remember that any energy you give to the world will later be returned to you. I don’t have to tell you to be patient, honest, or kind because these are things that are embodied in you. Above all else, you are loyal. The value you place on loyalty is what gives you your resilience. You are loyal to others, you are understanding of their emotional needs and the actions they take because of them. You’ve always been loyal to yourself though. You give to others without expecting anything in return, you value the smallest things in life and allow yourself to feel charged by the simplicity of nature. You have loyalty to yourself because you are self aware enough to understand that all the bad things that happen to you are not happening to break you down into nothing, but to teach you how to grow. Don’t be ashamed of your inability to feel certain emotions like others do because it is not a weakness. There is nothing wrong with you. You are self aware enough to analyze your emotions rather than feel them. You are rational, and everything you do is filled with purpose and good intent. It’s not a handicap to be unable to express emotions as others do, it is only proof of your resilience. Of your loyalty to self to keep moving forward no matter what happens. It allows you have the courage to make sacrifices that others wouldn’t dare to make. This part of you, this immense and unique energy of your soul, is what keeps you alive, it is what keeps you appreciative of everything you have in this world, good or bad. Let your own insight guide you, and stay true to the words you create. In writing you are a prophet. In soul you are so much more powerful than you could ever realize.
    To be a hero you must be brave. To be brave you must be afraid. To be afraid you must have fears. To conquer them you must be patient yet fierce.
    There is no light without darkness and there is no darkness without light.
    Let your soul and your intuition be your guiding light through the darkness. Let your consciousness be your tool to process and collect the information the world teaches you in the dark.