sexual abuse

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    What do you love most about your life? #prompt

    I love to journal and I love finding prompts to journal about. I just Google the prompts that I'm looking for and I find thousands of them. Tonight's prompt is really making me think. Especially about the positive. I know it sounds negative and pessimistic to say that I tend to think of the negative regarding my situation. I suppose negative thinking and internal dialogues are a normal aftereffect of being abused. But tonight I want to challenge those thoughts by writing something positive. So this brings me to the question: What do I love most about my life? I've never actually put much thought into this question. Maybe there isn't any one answer to this question but I'm going to answer this as best I can.

    I tend to focus on the fact that I was abused and abandoned and this leads me to think that there is no good in my life. This isn't true. I love the fact that I can finally and genuinely feel safe. The hyper-vigilance of PTSD is still pretty active especially around people I don't know but now I can tell myself that I am truly safe. I have a family now that would protect me if they needed to. I can rest at night (pretty well) knowing that my nightmares can't hurt me and they aren't as bad as they once were. I love that I can be safe with a few select people and not shut them out because of distrust or fear.

    I love that I am loved and wanted. After being abused and abandoned I felt objectified and unwanted. Now though I am expected at family functions and have been told how loved and wanted I actually am.

    I love how I can create the life that I want without the fear of being abused again. No longer do I live in fear but I can now live each day as I choose. If I relapse I can show myself grace and love. If I have a healing day then I can celebrate it. I love how I can express myself without fear of retribution. I can be open and honest with myself and others and have my experiences and emotions validated. These might seem like little things so some but they are big things to me.

    Just being free from abuse and fear and being able to adjust to life at my own pace means a lot. Like I always say, I am not fully healed but each day I am getting closer to my goal. I may have bad days where I slip up but I also have good days where I can be proud of myself and show myself the love that I always deserved. So I ask you: What do you love about your life? I won't tell you to think positive because I know that toxic positivity can be hurtful. I will tell you to celebrate your life and your accomplishments. You deserve it. Just as I do. I am so glad that I chose this prompt because now I feel more positive and happier compared to earlier. I hope this post inspires someone today. Blessings to you all.

    #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #Healing #Writing #Love #Life

    5 reactions 5 comments

    Often times when I am thinking with my emotions, I tend to neglect other things going on. This is something I am trying to change. I want to tap into my higher self but I often lack the ability to do so. I know my other post was so negative but I was going through a rough time and struggled to see a positive. However after putting my much thought into the current situation I know realize that there are motivating factors in my life that can help me to thrive. Depressed episodes often drown me in sadness and lies that my life isn't going well. That there is no positive in the situation and that everyone in it, including myself deserves to be judged.

    Depression is so debilitating. When I find myself trapped in the middle of depression or anger I often don't stop to analyze or challenge my thoughts. I just let them take over. Now I am not saying that sadness and anger are bad emotions, only that when we feel them intensely we tend to forget that there is more to life. Sure there are many things that I wish I could change and that life is definitely unfair. Knowing this though, I can now see what I have learned and how far I have come despite all the abuse and trauma. This depressed episode will not defeat me even though it tries.

    I know I wrote with a lot of anger and part of me was glad that I ranted but another part of me feels slightly sad. All those emotions that I felt after the trauma came back but now I can control how long I focus on them. So can you. I can work towards making me a better person and by focusing on my spirituality and religion. I think that by focusing on that then I can be happier and healthier. Sometimes it takes a mindset to change to feel better. I am not where I want to be yet but each day I can work on it. So can you.

    There are great things in store for us if we just challenge our negative mindset. It's okay to feel down or angry but don't let those emotions steal your motivation and happiness like it did for me for a while. With the support of mental health professionals and loved ones, I can pull myself out of the darkness. Just like you can. As always, stay safe and reach out for help if you need to. Thanks for believing in me like I believe in you. You got this! Just like I do.

    Love and light.


    #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Anxiety #BipolarDepression #Healing #Hope

    5 reactions

    Life's Unfairness #rant

    My therapist told me yesterday that life is unfair. This sounds cliche and it probably is but it is reality. This I know. However I think I've dealt with enough of life's unfairness (at least for a while). I had 12 years of my life stolen from me by a man that was supposed to love and care for me. That didn't happen. Instead I was subjected to years of sexual abuse and was sexually assaulted. I was emotionally abused by a woman that was supposed to care about my feelings but didn't and still doesn't. All this pain is relatively fresh because the abuse only ended a few years ago. I feel that I have put in so much work through therapy and in my life in general to heal and yet even that doesn't seem good enough.

    Maybe part of me doesn't want to accept the reality. That's something I need to work on. I often judge myself for many things and I want to work on this but at the moment I can't. I am too overcome with emotions to do that. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, confused. All the emotions I felt shortly after my trauma, I am feeling them again. On top of life being unfair by not allowing me to see a sibling that I miss and love very much. I cry over the whole situation sometimes yet I know my abusers aren't crying over me.

    Somedays I think about giving up, I feel completely defeated like I do now. I know that it's a mindset but it's a hard one to get out of. Especially when I feel so helpless. There are so many factors in the situation that I have no control over, mainly other people unfortunately. And I have to accept this too. I can just add it to my list of things I have to accept. I know that I should look for a positive (my therapist says that a lot) but I don't think I can right now. I guess I just need to sit with my emotions right now.

    I'm just so emotionally and mentally tired right now. Part of me wishes I couldn't feel anything right now. I'm tired of the emotional pain. Tired of feeling this way. Yet there appears to be nothing I can do. I'm just at a loss right now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Rant over.

    #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #rant #Life #frustrated #needhelp

    21 reactions 7 comments

    How do you work towards acceptance and forgiveness of yourself and your past? #Healing

    I know this seems like a lot but I just would like some input on the subject. I am working on this in therapy and outside of therapy but it gets overwhelming. Any response is appreciated.

    #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Healing #help

    12 reactions 6 comments

    Tired of Getting Down on Myself but I Can't Stop #Healing

    People have told me time and time again that I am too critical of myself and too judgmental. The crux of the problem is that I know this, that my internal dialogue is very negative. I suppose that came from being abused. Whatever the case, I am tired of being this way and want to stop. Another problem is that I then become too judgmental of myself and others in the situation that have hurt me. In therapy I asked the group what I should do about this and they all said that I should learn to accept the past for my own peace. But how do I do that? I am a religious person and believe that acceptance and forgiveness are possible but I struggle with this a lot.

    I have written many letters of forgiveness to those that hurt me but always discarded them. I don't feel that they are genuine enough. Then a group member suggested that I apologize to myself not blame myself. I could try that. But things always come full circle and I end up getting down on myself by using what my therapist call "should language". For example: They should be sorry. They should apologize. However I know that will most likely never happen. So what do I do?

    I want to show myself patience and grace like I need to but I often return to that negative internal dialogue. I'm just so tired of doing this that somedays I just think about giving up. Any help would be appreciated.

    #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD

    4 reactions 6 comments
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    If only it was that easy #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde #PanicAttacks #SexualAbuse

    Wouldn’t it be easy to do that? What we could do is list our negatives on one side and our positives on the other side?

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    The shoulda #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SexualAbuse #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde #PTSD #PanicAttacks

    I’m always doing this. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I always said “I should of told mom and dad about what my brother did to me “ but I didn’t til I was 21. I was a scared 8 yr old who was threatened. I realize I can’t go back and change it.

    6 reactions

    Asking About Family and the Frustration it Brings #frustrated

    I've heard it all, they're your family you need to love them. They're your family, they don't mean it. On and on it goes. Unless you've come from a toxic family like myself I feel like people won't understand. It took me a long time to label my experiences as abuse and I guess this was because I kept comparing my experiences to that of others. My experiences with abuse weren't particularly violent so I didn't think I was abused. Now I know that I was, just because I was never hit doesn't mean that I was not abused. Words are just as damaging as physical abuse and I know firsthand the impact of cruel words. It took me a while to label the emotional abuse as emotional abuse. Some of the consequences I live with include PTSD, trouble understanding and regulating my emotions, trouble opening up, trouble trusting and trouble relating to others that weren't abused.

    I'm trying really hard to heal those aspects of myself but the anger I feel at having been emotionally abused doesn't compare to the shame I feel from being sexually abused and sexually assaulted. Sometimes I drown in the shame. Because it was family that abused me, I bristle when asked about my family. Why don't you talk to them? Why don't you see them? I don't feel like getting into it so I just say it's complicated. Yet people want details. Bringing up family brings up painful memories and feelings.

    I recently came to the realization that they are truly bad people. Doesn't matter who they are. This realization breaks my heart and I cried so much after learning that. I don't miss them and what they did but I do struggle with wishing things were different. I have been in therapy for 3 years and have accomplished a lot but I still have a long way to go. So please respect my desire to not talk about them. That's all I ask. And yet people don't get it. No, I don't love them anymore and no I don't want to see them. I need my space to heal and grow. That's what I need right now.

    #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Healing

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    Anxiety Before Sleeping/Change in Bipolar Episode #PTSD #BipolarDisorder

    Ever since I was sexually abused and assaulted I find myself getting triggered at night. I am not afraid of the dark-I am afraid of what happens in the dark. I am trying to come up with a relaxing bedtime routine that involves calming music and meditation. Because the abuse only ended a few years ago, I still find myself crying over it. Depending on how badly I get triggered I have nightmares and can't breathe. If I am mildly triggered then I am severely anxious and want to escape. Problem is, I can't escape my thoughts or emotions. So what do I do?

    A change in mood doesn't help either. I can feel my mood shifting from manic to depressed but I still have anxiety. I feel like my changing emotions impact everything else. I want to do a lot of things but struggle to do them. I find myself crying more often and wanting to sleep more-two signs for me of a depressed episode. The emotional intensity of Borderline Personality doesn't help either. Sometimes I feel like I have no control. Please help. I don't want to become so depressed that I go down a dark path -self-harm for example. It's been a few years since that has happened and I want to keep it that way. I am on a lot of medications and am in therapy but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. I'm hoping someone here can reach out to me. Thanks.

    #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #boderlinepersonalitydisorder #help #Anxiety

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