I lie on my bed, listened to meditation and was ready to take a nap. Couldn't concentrate on the meditation. Suddenly memories came to my mind.
It's been 18 years ago that I experienced sexual abuse. But the memories seemed to happen rightnow.....
Went to a show, expensive, supposed to be fantastic but I ruined it… created a scene .. started panicking- felt like everything was closing in… you know like the past was there again … I had to leave .. felt sick … I was told off but that didn’t stop me it made me think of my past - it absolutely reminded me of the abuse .. the people all watching, the darkness … I was there but I wasn’t ….
This morning I hate my self even more … I ruined it …. We were thrown out of the auditorium- dressed up, I know how to behave …. So sorry, sorry, …
#SexualAbuse #Anxiety #CPTSD
Feeling empty - how to fill the void that has been damaged by evil - any advice ? How can I get rid of the flaw inside of me . I know what you will say …. Please help though I feel I can’t move on . I’m tarnished . Abuse will kill me in the end … how do I take one day at a time . I tell myself I’m free . I’m lucky to live . I’m an ok person but … I despise myself . Please …. Why . Why the people I trusted … if I’m honest I’m just devastated
#SexualAbuse #Depression #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
Im thinking that my DNA is paired wrong …. The helix 🧬 goes the other way - this is fact because it wasn’t one person that did those things it happened again and again - even as an adult I went back for more and I hate myself . I want to get rid . I used to bathe in bleach but nothing works #ChildhoodAbuse #PTSD #SexualAbuse #recoveryishard #Hatemyself #Migraine #EatingDisorders #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm
There is a song by the oak ridge boys that I can hear in the background when I was being sexually abused by my brother. I can’t listen to that song. I also remember seeing Barbara Mandrell wearing a bright blue dress when she was pregnant with her son. I looked up the year she was pregnant with him it was 1985 when I was 12. The Oak Ridge boys came out in 1982 when I was 9. I can’t listen to the song she was singing too. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #SexualAbuse #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde
I turn 29 in about a month and I’ve never felt younger. I guess all my time in my twenties spent inside and going to bed early really paid off well. Learning to accept myself as I am, mental illness and all. My chemical imbalance stems from extreme childhood and adult sexual abuse and drug use (that developed after said abuse) I am not weak because I take medication, I take medication because I am too strong for this world to handle. I do not have social media to drag me down. I attribute my young looks to the fact that I don’t partake in trashing others. Kindness is karma. If you live your life free of hate you will be forever young. #SexualAssault #PsychiatricSurvivor #childlike #SexualAbuse #Incest #Bipolar1Disorder #ddlg
The Forgotten Ones - Innocence Lost A Child No More
“I am stronger
now that I’m older. The scars are there, memories louder, but I’ll never understand how the man that made me, became my own aggressor. Damaged me for life, made me a woman before a child. But I am strong, I will fight, for the voices that whisper help...
like I once did.”
We become our own survivor,
as our world’s been set on fire.
You scream for help, no one hears,
on your own you dry your tears.
It’s such a sad reality.
Broken, chained, losing hope and sanity.
Agitation, pain, isolation, repression.
Disturbing growth, fearing the world around them.
Depression, isolation, anxiety,
years of attempts in suicide,
As the first years of life
is important, for one’s growth in time.
“So stand by me, don’t be afraid
I know you do not understand
I’ll help you fight the monster in your room
Im here to help, please take my hand.”
Hes someones daughter, shes someones son
Their born without a chance
Hated, beaten abandoned
You wouldnt know it at first glance.
There daily life begins the same
Repeated cycle again and again
Emotionally scarred, left to die
Promises made, never kept
Bruises cuts...they try to hide
Many night they havent slept
The stuggle gets harder the older you get
In time wounds heal but scars keep the memory
Of the life you once lived
Its over now, you survived...your free
You remain a prisoner of your mind
A million miles away
And before you know it
Your past you cant escape
“Mama, you weren't there,
I'm attached while you don't care.
Born with habits to keep me crying,
as I crave for love and affection.
I'll always cry just one more tear,
this path has lead me down despair.
Cus daddy, I'm addicted,
your passes shame me, make me frightened.
When your methods of love were wrong,
Your little girl now doesn’t belong.
Oh, how I dreamed someone would save me,
each night I prayed...waiting patiently.
Maybe things would be better,
if I was buried six feet under.
My silence was for many years,
as I was scared with many fears.
Naive was I, but far too young,
I couldn't speak for I wasn't strong.
A future of uncertainty,
gives me so much anxiety.
No cure for what I am,
survival is all I had.”
Life is full of so much mystery,
Built up rage, weak with jealousy.
As nothing written, is set in stone,
Your leading on this path alone.
That inner voice wants to move on,
How do you find a way to be strong?
So break down walls and make a friend,
Take a chance on life again!
My abuser was found guilty and sent to prison to await sentencing. My abuser was a family member and quite honestly I don't know how to feel at the moment. People tell me I should be happy he's gone and got what he deserved and that I should be proud of myself for confronting him during trial. While I am proud of myself for being brave and not giving up when I easily could have, after 4 years of waiting for a trial it's finally done. I cried for the past 2 days. I keep telling myself I don't love or miss him but I still feel like I lost something. There will never be a chance to talk to him, to try and understand why he did what he did. I won't attend sentencing because I am too tired of the legal process. Yet if I don't go I will never see him again. He will most likely die in prison. Other family members have sent me threatening messages such as saying they hope I kill myself. I was scared that this person would find me but luckily they did not. My #PTSD symptoms are somewhat reduced now that it's over but I'm still a bit shook up. Honestly I don't know how to feel right now. I'm not angry I know that. I just don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know if this is normal or not. Luckily I can start therapy again so that will help a lot. I'm just so tired. How do you move on from something like this?
I went for a walk with mom which was probably a huge mistake. I told her how I couldn’t tell you and dad how I was feeling because all you guys did was dismiss my feelings and got defensive. Then I told her how my #SexualAbuse was swept underneath the rug once I got released from a psychiatric hospital at age 12. No one believed me when I disclosed it at the hospital. So from 12-21 it was never mentioned or spoke of til I decided to tell at 21. Mom said you should have told us sooner. I can’t believe she said that like she is telling me it’s my fault. Now I’m in my bedroom isolating listening to my music and crying at times . I’m trying not to let the dark clouds get darker