sexual abuse

21 years after a horrible experience with a man, I was able to take a look at what had happened in 2005.
I desperately wanted unconditional, safe love (non-sexual). What I got was far from that.....
My autonome nervous system took control of the situation.
I had blamed myself for so long, for a reflex I had no control about.
Just because the fawn response was stronger than my logical brain, didn't mean I agreed.....
That man just saw a helpless 15-year old girl - easy to manipulate......

Moments ago, I remembered a dream of last night.
One person I used to trust, was abusive....
The dream was a mirror of abuse I experienced in the past.

My mind is replaying that scenario over and over. Part of me is judging myself for not rebelling enough. At one point the wish for physical intimacy was so big. I became his sexual robot.

That's against all logic.

My inner child wants to feel safe. No more reaction out of fear. No more adults that have power over me.

Does anyone resonate with these emotions?

Today I wrote down in detail what happened on 20th May 2005.
All the years I avoided thinking, writing or talking about it.
So today I took a huge step.

I have pinpointed when may have be bipolar when I was growing up. From 8-teens I had anger issues such as lashing out, very irritable and deep depression. Yes it could have been hormones but I think it went deeper than that. 8 yrs old is when my #SexualAbuse started. I pinpointed why I don’t like my birthday. My dad made me a dollhouse and gave it to me on my birthday. My brother used that as to start grooming me. I still celebrate since its me, mom, my son and his girlfriend. #biolar2 #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

So after my therapy session last week my therapist mentioned exposure therapy that we will get into soon. I read this can be for sexual abuse and PTSD. Has anyone tried this? If so was it traumatic? How did it work for you?

Happy New Year! How is everyone? How do you want to work on your mental health this year or even just this month?

#Depression #PTSD #SexualAbuse #Anxiety

If you are a fan of the ID channel there is a show on there The ladies of route 20 in the discretion before the show the mention childhood sexual abuse. I refuse to watch because I am a survivor of it. I do not want to get triggered. Just want to warn you all in case you thought of watching it. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SexualAbuse

How do I address dating or any form of intimacy if a single kiss causes a flashback that triggers panic?
#SexualAbuse #ChildhoodAbuse #Bipolar #MentalHealth #lonely