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The Jealousy and Envy I Experienced During My High-Risk Pregnancy

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Our lives have been anything but normal since the day of your anatomy scan. My heart sank when were told that we needed to be followed by a perinatal specialist.

And here I thought I would have an uneventful pregnancy—like the one I had with your brother. Zero pregnancy symptoms other than the occasional gas pains in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen.

I envied all of the other pregnant mothers sitting in the waiting room at the Naval Hospital – it felt like they were all giddily waiting to hear their sweet baby’s heartbeat.

I envied them because it seemed like all they had to worry about was what they wanted to name their baby.

I envied them because it felt like their main concerns were what they wanted on their baby registry, or what color they wanted to paint their baby’s nursery.

I envied them because to me, it felt like they were hoping their baby would be early due to measuring ahead. It felt like they didn’t have to worry about their baby measuring four weeks behind and possibly not thriving.

It seemed like they didn’t have to worry whether or not their baby was getting enough oxygen and nutrients. I wonder, did they have to worry about the unknown like I did?

It felt like they didn’t have to be distressed about the fact that their child had a higher chance of being stillborn. I frequented Labor and Delivery more than a pregnant woman should have to.

I envied them because it felt like they didn’t have to have frequent growth scans, weekly non-stress tests, extra genetic testing, and weekly Doppler scans.

I envied the other mothers because it seemed like they were transitioning from one child to two effortlessly.

And the one thing I envied the most of all — I envied the mothers who were not having these emotions of envy or jealousy.

I do not like having these feelings. As mothers ourselves, we want other mothers to have a healthy pregnancy. That’s what we all hope for.

We hope they don’t have to worry about their baby falling behind, not having enough oxygen, or even having a higher possibility of a still-born.

We hope that all they have to worry about is if the car seat is properly in place.

We don’t wish for other mothers to feel what we feel.

But, I couldn’t help but feel these emotions. This wasn’t the graceful transition to motherhood of two, which I had dreamed of many times.

I didn’t dream of this at all.

Fast forward to the present, which happens to be almost two years to the day of Jaxson’s first breath. I’ve come to terms with my feelings way back when, and I am now an open book. I hope by reflecting back on our journey and sharing our raw emotions, that it will help another mother currently battling this.

To any mother who is beside herself with jealousy and envy — remember it is OK to feel these feelings. I would know. It doesn’t make you any less of a mother, nor does it make you any less of a woman.

It makes you human.

Originally published: April 5, 2019
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