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Finding My 'Calling' in Life With Schizoaffective Disorder

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I have always wanted to be a calming influence. My dad always was, and people went as far as to call him the “Meg Whisperer.” He was one of the only people who could calm me down when I got sad — and when I got sad, I got really sad. I have always wanted to follow in his footsteps and be a stabilizing influence on those I love and the people around me.

But I never believed I could do that.

See, I have schizoaffective disorder, which is, as I understand it, bipolar disorder with a side helping of schizophrenic-type intrusive thoughts. As a result of this particular cocktail of things going on in my brain, I find it hard to be calm at any point for myself, much less for others. That being said, that is not all I have.

I was born singing. A few months after I came into the world, my nana heard me babbling “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” from my crib. This was months before I could talk. I couldn’t stop singing if I tried. I also discovered I could play piano at the age of 12, and began writing songs shortly afterwards. A ukulele came into my life in 2010, and I haven’t looked back.

For years, I tried to make the music that flows through me into something it is not. I hoped that people would get up and dance to it, but instead they… fell asleep? This bothered and somewhat offended me. I didn’t want to put people to sleep! That meant I was boring.

I was confusing something crucial. There is a difference between something boring a person and something soothing them, and what I didn’t know was that the songs could calm people so much, they would stop having anxiety attacks. I didn’t realize this was what I had always wanted until it clicked one day. I had found my niche. I could calm people. My music could do what I alone could not. And with it, I am free.

So what I am saying is, your calling will come. Be patient with yourself, and keep exploring!

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Originally published: February 28, 2018
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