The Sentence That Broke Schizophrenia’s Hold on My Sleep

As a person with schizophrenia, I used to be afraid of not sleeping early. At 10 p.m., I dropped everything to be in bed at 11 p.m. Then, I could not get relief, with my mind repeatedly saying something bad would definitely happen if I was not able to sleep early.

It doesn’t mean I slept at 11 p.m. though. I would toss and turn until the wee hours of the morning, before falling asleep and waking up unrested.

When I started medication, I would fall asleep early and wake up late. Even then, I felt sleepy mid-afternoon, so I would need to take naps.

My functioning was impeded, but my colleagues tried their best to accommodate me; my tasks were adjusted, and I was given space to sleep during the afternoons.

At some point, I was told by my psychiatrist I needed to be in bed by 11 p.m. so I would be asleep when the magic of emotional regulation happens.

I then became obsessed with sleeping early. I watched my caffeine intake, taking care to not consume caffeine if unnecessary. I tried reading in bed, even when my mind could not focus. I avoided getting stressed at night, hoping I would be able to sleep early. To no avail. I wasn’t even aiming at sleeping well yet, just early.

My psychiatrist then prescribed me medicine to help me fall asleep. The medicine was to be taken as needed. I used to take them religiously, then stopped when I felt being groggy for two days was a price I was not willing to pay.

Every time I was not able to sleep early, I knew I was going to have a bad day. It may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I have always thought sleeping early was key to a good day. I didn’t realize then I had become a hostage of my thoughts, again.

There was a sentence I read during those days. I just happened to read it. I no longer remember the sentence construction or where I read it from. From what I remember, it said you should tell yourself that even if you will not be able to get a good night’s sleep tonight, you can always decide how your day turns out tomorrow.

I eventually learned to tell myself that at night, and when I wake up. When I cannot sleep within 30 minutes, I get up to do something else and go back to bed only when I’m sleepy already.

I usually sleep later than 11 p.m. now, but my days are better. I’ve learned to focus on making the waking hours count rather than counting the hours I’m awake.