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Dear Me, I'm Sorry for How I've Treated You

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Dear me,

I am sorry I’ve never appreciated you the way you deserved. That will all change today.

When I was an infant, you endured endless abuse, yet you didn’t fail me. You took every punch and you kept waking up. You kept fighting through. I’m sorry that happened to you.

When I was a child, you supported my growing frame and you always bounced back from any injury, no matter how poorly I took care of you. Thank you for being resilient and helping me grow.

When I was a teenager, I hated you. I even tried to kill you. I overdosed. I self-harmed. I fed you poison. I hated my height, my shoe size and my pant size. I detested my hair and eye color. I rejected everything about you and I know that hurt. Thank you for holding on and allowing me to live to meet my kids.

Mirror selfie of the author, a white woman with brown hair, when pregnant, smiling

In my 20s, you were always hurting and I was always angry you were failing me so young. Now I know you were just trying to recover from injury after injury in the most strenuous environment possible. I’m sorry I didn’t let you rest.

We had to work so hard to get pregnant with my first child, but we did it! I am sorry I didn’t appreciate what a miracle that was. You endured three really difficult pregnancies, but you brought me each of my babies safe and sound, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Photo of author, white woman in a hospital bed holding her newborn baby with her young son and daughter on the bed

Now, I find myself worn-out, spread thin and tired of going on this way.

Something is going to change.

Instead of blaming you for not taking care of me correctly, I am going to accept the blame for not giving you what you needed to grow and thrive.

From now on, I will listen when you need rest.

I will not get upset when you get sick.

I will feed you the fuel you need to feel your best.

I will honor you as a sanctuary for my soul.

I will be thankful for all you have endured and I will love you exactly the way you are.

Original photos by author

Originally published: May 5, 2021
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