When My Gynecologist Complimented My Self-Harm Injuries

This was not the first time someone had something to say about the random scars, cuts and bruises they’d found on my body. As someone who has struggled with self-harm throughout my life, I’ve become accustomed to the usual reactions: “Why did you do that?” “You shouldn’t hurt yourself.” “Doesn’t that hurt?” But the reaction I got from one of my doctors had me stunned.

A few years ago I went to see my gynecologist for my annual exam. I waited for her to come in the room to greet me, then laid back completely naked in my robe and fit my heels into the stirrups while she prepped her tools and pulled on her gloves. Then she turned and squinted at me, tilting her head, noticing something on my skin. I had carved two small hearts into each of my knees earlier that week after another mental breakdown, and her eyes bore into them.

“That’s cute,” my gynecologist said. “I like the little hearts.”

I lay there, in my robe completely naked with my legs in stirrups and my crotch exposed, dumbfounded. The doctor smiled at me.

“Oh, thank you,” I blurted. It was a compliment after all.

The rest of the procedure happened like normal, but I was left with a feeling of discomfort (and it wasn’t from the Pap smear). Exposing yourself to a gynecologist was embarrassing enough, and now I was even more exposed. I wasn’t angry or hurt by what she said. I wasn’t even sure if it was truly insensitive. I tried to think of reasons why she would compliment my self-harm injuries. Maybe she thought they were drawn on. Maybe she can relate and that was her way of letting me know. Maybe she didn’t know how to react and the words came out before she could filter them. Whatever the reason, this was the first time anyone told me my wounds were “cute.”

It got me thinking for a while about all of things I’d heard over the years, both sensitive and insensitive. I recalled some of the most important people in my life, and even strangers, telling me hurtful things not out of malice, but sheer ignorance. And I wondered, how many times have people said something that sounded cruel, but actually had no cruel intentions? Language can be hard to use, and teaching sensitive language is not something we do in our society. It’s learned. And though I believe it’s important for people to be considerate, we should also be considerate towards those who may have no idea what having a sick brain is like.

As a group of people who are often misunderstood, is it important to give others the benefit of the doubt. Some people simply don’t know what they’re saying. People see self-harm injuries on a person and they become startled and unsure of how to react. But misunderstanding good intentions is not the same as malice. I believe we are quick to react to insensitive language too often, interpreting even those who love us as hateful, and that can be isolating. But just because someone says the wrong thing doesn’t mean they don’t care about you anymore. I think a lot of us actually have more people on our side than we think. It’s just hard to remember that when they say seemingly unkind things out of shock, frustration, anger or grief.

Give them the benefit of the doubt anyway. People are still people. Help them find the right words to say. The team that is supporting you may be bigger than you think.