What I Never See Discussed in Self-Harm Awareness Posts

I have been reading a lot of self-harm awareness posts and tales of self-harm trauma. All of them had some really valid points and similarities to my own story, but there is always something missing. There are pieces I feel I could add that would make the story me. So I asked myself, why don’t you speak what is in your own heart, then? What if there are others out there who felt the way you did and still do? Maybe they’re missing the pieces I have to add. So that’s what brings me here today.

To start, self-harm is not glamorous. Self-harm is not beautiful. Self-harm is physical pain inflicted on your own body to make the internal pain seem more bearable. Self-harm is the act of tearing away at what is left of your vessel to make you feel something other than darkness. But it’s all dark, isn’t it?

I’ve come to find that my self-harming consumed my very existence. It was years before I could even go a few hours without the endless itch to harm myself. The itching still calls to me on my down days. I fight now because I can.

In the height of my addiction — because that is what self-harm is, it is an addiction — I would stop anywhere, at any time, just to get my fix. It was out of anger toward myself that I found this action gratifying. I hated myself so deeply that self-harm and suicide were thoughts I welcomed. I felt I was stuck with nowhere to turn. I had no one to talk to about the deepest parts of my own darkness. I was alone is a sea of pain and truthfully, I didn’t want to get out.

It took a very long time to feel safe enough with myself to speak to anyone else about my depression. When I did, my fight against myself began. I broke free and fell back into my darkness. But I kept fighting. It was a tiring road to freedom and as I still struggle, I can say with so much happiness that I am so close to being free.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.

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