3 Things My Struggle With Self-Harm Is Not (and 3 Things It Is)
There are so many presumptions made about self-harm and those who do it. Because of this, I want to clear up a few things that have been true for me. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know my own truth.
1. It is not “attention seeking.”
I don’t want anyone to know. I don’t want anyone to see the scars or the evidence. It feels appallingly shameful to me. I am coming to terms with the scars on my body, and I wear short sleeves now. I usually cover my wrists with a watch and bangles, but if anybody notices, I can deal with it.
2. For me, it is not about enjoying pain.
I hate pain. I don’t tolerate pain well at all. I’m a redhead! We feel pain more than non-redheads (I read that somewhere – I’m sure it’s true!) I hate paper cuts, and I cringe at the thought of stubbing my toe. I don’t harm myself to enjoy pain. I do not like it.
3. It’s not about killing myself.
While I definitely have issues with suicidal ideation and overwhelming temptation at times, at no point in time did I think scarring my body would ever come close to killing me.
Here are three things self-harm is for me.
1. It is about fear and self hatred.
My life is consumed by fear. That is the reality of my anxiety — especially my hidden anxiety. I am afraid.
2. It is about comfort.
Ironic as that may seem, hiding away and numbing myself with physical harm, has been extremely comforting for me in the past. When I was consumed with self-loathing and drowning in irrational fears, maladaptive, harmful measures became temporarily comforting for me.
3. It is about emotional pain.
I have never managed emotional pain well, and eventually it all became overwhelming. As a result, I developed really poor coping mechanisms. Sure – I could have made better choices, but I didn’t at the time.
It’s all clear in hindsight.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.
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Thinkstock photo via Kerkez.
Crazy hair, solitude seeker, at peace in the natural world. After a series of crises led to an emotional breakdown and multiple psychiatric admissions I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, PTSD, depression and anxiety, and I have a long-standing eating disorder. I have a passionate interest in mental health and now share my story in the hope it may benefit someone else. I dedicated over three decades of my life as a professional flautist and teacher. In 2008 I completed a Master’s in Journalism, specialising in editing, and continue to hone my skills as a writer. My first book, "Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels: The Girl with the Eating Disorder" is now available with all online retailers! With 30 years of marriage under my belt, I successfully raised three and a half young men and a chocolate-brown Burmese cat. A mean feat never to be underestimated.
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