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Living With Sensory Processing Disorder as an Adult: No Breaks, Just Waves

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The Peril of Silence Within
Dedication to Emileee, a little girl who has SPD, too.

As I sit in an empty room full of silence,
my ears echo cymbal sounds piercing my eardrums

Concealing the pain induces anxieties
Ravaging my body as if boiling water
is poured onto me, seeping internally,
disintegrating anything in its way

Grasping or wearing a safe,
calming fabric feels heavenly
unless at the moment
it’s cutting through my skin
leaving a trail of agony

It’s the worst enemy
I’ve ever encountered
giving millions of paper cuts
all over my body
along with the sensation of
boiling water poured onto my skin

I scratch my face repeatedly
knowing it will amplify
not alleviate the sensations

I remember to divert my attention
to something else
though my attention is now
on what I am touching
or the clothes I am wearing

Is it on my safe, comfortable list
to wear or touch for the day?
It was safe and comfortable yesterday
it gave no paper cuts

Today I wish I could
join a nudist colony

Maybe tomorrow
the sounds and the safe,
comfortable sensations
will cooperate
And I won’t think I’m dying
in a dark hole of torture
within myself

While outwardly I seem to be
completely, merely “normal”
broadcasting no angst or panic
before your eyes

This is the living hell I battle every day
that no one observes,
I want to battle it within myself


This is my battle
I need to conquer on my own

“Sometimes, we only want to see what is occurring in front of us, not what’s occurring within the person’s psyche or body. We can’t truly comprehend how they perceive the world or how their body reacts; nevertheless we can try our hardest to lend a supportive hand. To have someone understand a little is a step in the right direction for the future.”  Sara

Image via Thinkstock Images

Originally published: September 14, 2016
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