I have been with the same counselor for many years. He was my first and has been my only counselor. While he has helped me out of many dark and difficult times, there has been times he has left me feeling like my feelings are invalid. So much so that I may have been 10 steps ahead in my healing, then I find myself 3 steps back. I start questioning everything. I start questioning my childhood trauma, I question my own thoughts, and I start to put blame on myself.

My mother in undiagnosed BPD. Growing up she was extremely mentally and physically abusive. Despite having the most amazing, loving, caring, and patient husband; I refuse to have children. I feel as my blood and genes are extremely toxic, therefore I refuse to biologically pass those on. In our most recent session, I told my counselor about events that lead me to feel like I could be a good mother, I felt validated that I would be a great mother!

By the end of the session, he said that everything seems to be going great. I told him yeah, but I was dealing with periodic dark spells where it almost felt like I had a cloud of negative energy hovering over me. I also drank until I blacked out on Mother’s Day. He became noticeably annoyed, he said I need to come into counseling and talk about that. I need to start writing down my actual mental health issues and start bringing that to session. He said I should not be in counseling forever and that he wants to graduate me one day.

I have ADD, OCD, and perfectionism; journaling is a fn nightmare. He knows that! I have one journal that that has a few random things in it, another with a bunch of pages ripped out, and about 6 empty ones.

I also work a very mentally demanding job in healthcare, and I am on a very high dose of amphetamine, when our sessions are afterwork, I’m so mentally and physically drained, it makes diving into trauma therapy difficult. Plus, I was so excited to tell him about the events that lead to my self-realization that I could be a good mom, and while my biggest fear is becoming my mother, I now felt that I was nothing like her!

He said he will see me in a month and ended our session.

A month?!... I just put down my head and walked out of there.

What I am feeling right now is an old familiar feeling. SHAME. The shame spiral went from 0-100, and I have nothing to grab ahold of. #Counseling #Trauma #shamespiral