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    Is my counselor helping or hurting?

    I have been with the same counselor for many years. He was my first and has been my only counselor. While he has helped me out of many dark and difficult times, there has been times he has left me feeling like my feelings are invalid. So much so that I may have been 10 steps ahead in my healing, then I find myself 3 steps back. I start questioning everything. I start questioning my childhood trauma, I question my own thoughts, and I start to put blame on myself.

    My mother in undiagnosed BPD. Growing up she was extremely mentally and physically abusive. Despite having the most amazing, loving, caring, and patient husband; I refuse to have children. I feel as my blood and genes are extremely toxic, therefore I refuse to biologically pass those on. In our most recent session, I told my counselor about events that lead me to feel like I could be a good mother, I felt validated that I would be a great mother!

    By the end of the session, he said that everything seems to be going great. I told him yeah, but I was dealing with periodic dark spells where it almost felt like I had a cloud of negative energy hovering over me. I also drank until I blacked out on Mother’s Day. He became noticeably annoyed, he said I need to come into counseling and talk about that. I need to start writing down my actual mental health issues and start bringing that to session. He said I should not be in counseling forever and that he wants to graduate me one day.

    I have ADD, OCD, and perfectionism; journaling is a fn nightmare. He knows that! I have one journal that that has a few random things in it, another with a bunch of pages ripped out, and about 6 empty ones.

    I also work a very mentally demanding job in healthcare, and I am on a very high dose of amphetamine, when our sessions are afterwork, I’m so mentally and physically drained, it makes diving into trauma therapy difficult. Plus, I was so excited to tell him about the events that lead to my self-realization that I could be a good mom, and while my biggest fear is becoming my mother, I now felt that I was nothing like her!

    He said he will see me in a month and ended our session.

    A month?!... I just put down my head and walked out of there.

    What I am feeling right now is an old familiar feeling. SHAME. The shame spiral went from 0-100, and I have nothing to grab ahold of. #Counseling #Trauma #shamespiral

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    Started a Group for #therapists who have #MentalHealthIssues

    Hi everyone! Thank you for accepting me.

    I am a licensed #counselor in New York State.

    I have been in #Therapy since I was 16. I’ll be 41 this year.

    As a #mentalhealthprofessional , I have found that one way to #endstigma is to be more #authentic and #Vulnerable .

    What does that mean? Well… therapists needs therapists, too! #Burnout is real. I know I especially do a horrible job with #selfcare . The last two years have been especially hard on almost everyone, and the need for more funding for MH in our country is not where we want it to be. :(

    I have #generalizedanxiety and #MajorDepressiveDisorder . I had horrible #postpartum anxiety and depression for a year after my son was born.

    I invite anyone in the helping professions to join our group. Let’s support one another and lift each other up. Thank you. :)
    #socialwork #Counseling #Psychiatrist #psychologist #Nurse #Therapist #endstigma #Support

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    It has started again.

    From the last one week my "vicious phase" has started again. I have been feeling depressed, anxious, numb, sad, and guilty all at once. Once again. My routine has worsened. It's the worst one I have experienced so far. Even after taking my sleeping pill at 9 p.m. I can't sleep until 3-4 a.m. and then when I sleep I'm not aware of even the loudest sound for the next 8 hours. But the time has extended. I sleep for more than 8 hours. Till 12-13 p.m. eventually waking up tired and exhausted. My motivation, positivity, optimism has hit rock bottom. There's no discipline in my life right now. I'm eating only one meal and that too not a proper one. I'm not able to stay active at all. I lie in my bed all day long. Not being able to exercise is giving me a huge amount of guilt. Very huge. And I can't cope with that. I feel like binge eating, like just stuffing the food in my mouth ( but thanks to the lockdown. I'm not able to binge eat because the fast food shops are all closed) and then as soon as I get the idea of my stomach being full I feel like puking, I feel guilty. Guilty for not working out which I should be doing to reduce my weight and control PCOD and also stay active and thinking about binge eating, not following my diet. The guilt is really huge.
    This phase is literally snatching away literature from me. It has happened before. My mind attacks the things I love to do or I love. And literature is it's favourite thing to snatch. I'm looking at my novels and all I feel is numb. Usually I feel happy looking at them, thinking of all the wonderful things written in them. But right now even reading a book is frustrating me. I just keep lying down in my bed or sitting and I keep staring out of the window. It's windy here. I like that kind of weather but due to my phase I'm not able to enjoy that too. I look outside and feel nothing. It's the weather I like and I can't even enjoy it. I love coffee and right now I'm just drinking it without feeling the peace I used to feel while drinking coffee.
    All I feel is numb, anxious, depressed, negative. So much is going on in my mind and I can't control it. So many negative thoughts have settled down in here and I'm confused beyond confused. I can't feel love, comfort, and peace. All I feel is negativeness, huge guilt, tired, exhausted, uselessness, unworthy, irresponsible. I want this phase of my vicious cycle to end as soon as it can. I don't know how to do it. It has never lasted this long. And it has never been so exhausting. It's the worst. And the saddest part is, I'm not able to do anything, anything to help myself.
    If anyone of you knows what I can do, please tell.

    #Depression #Anxiety #numb #negative #MentalHealth #Guilt #tired #sad #depressed #anxious #ParanoidThoughts #Suicide #help #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #MentalHealthHero #MentalHealthAwareness #Awareness #Therapy #psychologist #Psychiatrist #Counseling #TheMighty


    Why I hate therapy. #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Therapy #Counseling

    I thought forever that it was because I hated the therapists themselves. I always felt that they could see right through me. Detect any lies I told. Having to give out personal information. The feeling of having someone "invade" my privacy. But that was only a fraction of it.

    I've been to at least five therapists throughout my life, and I'm only 16. I hated every moment of it. I don't know when I started hating it, and I don't know when I started fighting. Eventually, I started hating getting any help at all.

    When I was younger, I had behavioral issues. (I'm borderline Asperger's Syndrome.) So I went to therapists, but for some reason I fought every time. I was physically dragged by my parents out of the house, into the car, and finally into the therapist's office itself. I was afraid of going. Afraid of the new experience, so I fought and therefore I was dragged, and that started the process of hatred and resentment, but not towards the therapists like I always thought.

    Now, I attribute any therapy/counseling to those negative experiences that I will live with forever. It was a major power imbalance that affects me to this day. It was almost all because of my parents. Now, as I sit here refusing therapy, I'm sacrificing other things in order to assert power over those who over-powered me years ago.

    Without therapy, my doctor will no longer prescribe my medication. Without therapy, my mother will not let me go back to in-school next year. I need both of those things. The meds to keep my depression somewhat subdued, and the school to be able to socialize and escape the feelings of being trapped at home. I'm too prideful for my own good, and now I have to face the consequences of it.

    I want to make something clear. I do NOT hate the therapists themselves. They are wondeful and who knows where we would be without them? I'm sure that therapy is great, that it helps, that it saves lives. But I just can't or won't for the sake of my pride. Now I'm stuck and have no way out except submission. I have to work out the mess I've created.

    P.S. I'm sorry that some of the wording is terrible and probably hard to understand.

    #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Therapy #Counseling


    EMDR and Brainspotting Advice??!

    Does anyone know what #emdr or #brainspotting is? I’m scheduled to talk to a therapist this week and I see that she specializes in both. I figure it’s something she will suggest but it’s a little confusing and I have mixed thoughts about it.

    Do you relive your traumas with EMDR? Why in the world would I want to do that? I’ve never gone through anything SUPER traumatic, but why would I want to revisit anything unpleasant? I’m a survivor of verbal and physociological abuse (from my husband and mother in law) and am just now getting over the things that were said and done to me. Im just barley at the point where I can go a few days without getting extreme anxiety or depression...wouldn’t reliving everything just set me back??

    Help!! Any thoughts/info/experiences would be much appreciated!

    #emdrtherapy #gaslight #gaslight #narcisstic abuse survivor #Gaslighting #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #narcissism #narcissists #narcissistabuse #Therapist #Therapy #Counseling #Depression


    How to recover after an affair?!

    My husband recently was found to have been having a plethora of affairs throughout our entire decade together and despite that has pleaded to go to marriage counseling so I have agreed to do this and I am taking an active role in trying very hard to look inward and among us to see what we can do to ensure a lasting marriage. However he seems uninterested and unconcerned. He takes no active roles and doesn’t speak up much! Yet when asking he says he wants the marriage and even gets upset at my concerns. I just simply don’t know what to do?! Can you offer any kind advice? Please no mean words or bashing my soul simply couldn’t take it at this point! Thank you all so much!!!
    #Marriage #Love #Depression #Unfaithfulhusband #PTSD #MentalHealth #lastinglove #makingitwork #Therapy #Counseling #maritalcounseling


    #OnlineTherapy ?

    Anyone know an affordable online counseling? 😊. #Counseling