counseling

(Photo from my recent vacation)

Having recently come to the conclusion that I cannot continue in my current #Job beyond the next 5 months, I have been stuck in swirling #Uncertainty . My job is making my mental health worse, but poor mental health makes it very difficult to look for a new job.

Last week, my therapist suggested that I consider working with a career counselor to help me work through some of my questions and challenges. I just had a free consultation call with a potential counselor, and I think I might go forward with it.

Naturally, it is even *more* expensive than my regular therapist, but she seems to have a system where she feels confident about what can be accomplished in her packages of 3 sessions or 10 sessions. I tend to have the view that my situation is just so complicated that no one could possibly help me break through all the muck and mire that quickly, but I recognize that that view may not be accurate.

I know that I need to do something different because just continuing to do the same thing has not helped me gain any forward momentum . I'm a bit afraid to spend so much money and just end up back where I started. I know part of that is the #Depression talking - "everything is bad and nothing will ever get better" - but it is a difficult mindset to overcome when trying to make a #Decision .

Have any of you ever worked with a career counselor? What was your experience like? Would you recommend it?

#Adviceplease

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of psychological treatment that has been demonstrated to be effective for a range of problems including depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol and drug use problems, marital problems, eating disorders, and severe mental illness.

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I have been with the same counselor for many years. He was my first and has been my only counselor. While he has helped me out of many dark and difficult times, there has been times he has left me feeling like my feelings are invalid. So much so that I may have been 10 steps ahead in my healing, then I find myself 3 steps back. I start questioning everything. I start questioning my childhood trauma, I question my own thoughts, and I start to put blame on myself.

My mother in undiagnosed BPD. Growing up she was extremely mentally and physically abusive. Despite having the most amazing, loving, caring, and patient husband; I refuse to have children. I feel as my blood and genes are extremely toxic, therefore I refuse to biologically pass those on. In our most recent session, I told my counselor about events that lead me to feel like I could be a good mother, I felt validated that I would be a great mother!

By the end of the session, he said that everything seems to be going great. I told him yeah, but I was dealing with periodic dark spells where it almost felt like I had a cloud of negative energy hovering over me. I also drank until I blacked out on Mother’s Day. He became noticeably annoyed, he said I need to come into counseling and talk about that. I need to start writing down my actual mental health issues and start bringing that to session. He said I should not be in counseling forever and that he wants to graduate me one day.

I have ADD, OCD, and perfectionism; journaling is a fn nightmare. He knows that! I have one journal that that has a few random things in it, another with a bunch of pages ripped out, and about 6 empty ones.

I also work a very mentally demanding job in healthcare, and I am on a very high dose of amphetamine, when our sessions are afterwork, I’m so mentally and physically drained, it makes diving into trauma therapy difficult. Plus, I was so excited to tell him about the events that lead to my self-realization that I could be a good mom, and while my biggest fear is becoming my mother, I now felt that I was nothing like her!

He said he will see me in a month and ended our session.

A month?!... I just put down my head and walked out of there.

What I am feeling right now is an old familiar feeling. SHAME. The shame spiral went from 0-100, and I have nothing to grab ahold of. #Counseling #Trauma #shamespiral