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To the Heart Condition That Turned Me Into a Different Person

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Dear Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia,

When you came into my life, I became a different a person. I lost my happy, bright attitude. Slowly, as the days turned into many years, that bright, happy, sparkly person I used to be wasn’t there anymore, no matter how hard I tried to find her. You made it so easy to lose sight of her. You made me frightened to go out alone. You’ve caused me endless pain, numerous hospital trips and failed operations, but I will never let you win.

You’ve ruined my life in more ways than one, but at the same time, I’m thankful for some things. You made me lose friends; when you’d strike, I’d suddenly cancel plans. But the friends I lost were never truly good friends, and you showed me that. You brought better friends into my life. You’ve made me appear drunk; people have crossed roads to avoid me. But you’ve made me realize that those people don’t matter and are just ignorant to invisible illness.

Instead of going out to buy baby things for my new son, Kian, I was always stuck in hospital. Because of you, Kian stopped growing. You can affect my life as much as you want, but you made me angry when you started to affect my baby’s life, too. Because of you I had to make the hard decision to let him come early. But Kian fought against you, and now I have my healthy baby boy.

You’ve made me realize what’s important in life, and you make me live each day like it’s my last. You made me become a shadow of the person I used to be; I fell and got lost. I guess you made it hard for me to see the positives when you put me in such a dark place, but you will always  be a part of me. And I won’t let you define me; if anything, you’ll just constantly make me stronger.



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Originally published: March 23, 2015
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