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Why I Feel More Comfortable in Front of a Crowd Than With My Friends

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I find it ironic how I can stand up in front of 5,000 people and give a speech or talk about my mental illness no problem, but once I’m one-on-one in an interpersonal relationship, I am the most insecure person. 

Speaking in front of groups comes easy to me. It’s something I love and it’s something I’m good at. It gives me confidence. When I’m not on a stage I have a hard time with relationships.

A lot of my problems stem from trauma issues. I have trust issues and abandonment issues that I am currently working on. I also have some social anxiety. I have since I was younger. 

One of my core beliefs is that I annoy people. I’m always always worried that I’m talking too much or texting too much or anything too much. I’m constantly concerned that people don’t really like me.

I have a tendency to ask the other person every so often if we’re good. It’s probably not healthy, but I sometimes need that reassurance. That they care about me like I care about them and all the problems I see are cognitive distortions I’ve magnified in my head.

This is definitely something I hope to be able to overcome. I do believe that as I continue my healing journey I will be able to get better at this. I’ve already come a distance from when I first started. I believe as I begin to grow more confident in myself as a person and a friend, and as I learn to trust others and myself more, I will be able to form friendships and relationships that I don’t have to question.

Until then, if you’re one of the people I’m lucky enough to have in my life, give me patience. Allow me that reassurance. I’m trying and always moving forward.

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Thinkstock photo via Maria Kuznetsova

Originally published: June 20, 2017
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