I have always had a hard time w people, particularly other women. 4 years ago I lost my closest friend to a hit and run. She was the first best friend I’d ever had and I didn’t meet her until I was 53 and then lost her three years later. She lived next door to me. I have a lot of female “friends” who have their own businesses or careers and I am the only one aside from an older retired friend who doesn’t have that and never had that. My friend was just like me in so many ways. Creative but not making money at it, navigating the later part of middle age and feelings of invisibility. I never had any success navigating the workplace and although I’ve tried my hand at different endeavors (a novel, a cookie business, a t shirt line) I’ve never gotten past the starting phase. Even during the pandemic my friends are busy teaching online classes, working from home, and being an athlete (long distance cycling). All over achievers. I don’t think I’m boring. I read a lot and I’m bright and funny but there is something about me that doesn’t translate. I recently was rejected by a friend who is too busy to pick back up any friendship and it just triggered me awfully. I’ve been doing so well, and this feels like a slide backwards. I know I’ll never meet anyone like my true friend again and it hurts when I don’t connect and get rejected. I used to be able to go next door (she was my neighbor) and just hang out. we’d walk every afternoon for hours talking about our spouses, fashion, life and creativity. I crave someone to talk to on a regular basis. I have my husband but he’s busy working from home also. I was doing fine, much less pain and even feeling less moody or depressed. I know why I get rejected. I am different. I say unedited things and get hyper and then get quiet. I feel like when I let people get to really know me they aren’t interested. I’m not feeling sorry for myself and I am who I am. I am a good person, kind and loyal, but a bit of a weirdo. Trying not to circle the drain and wish this latest rejection wouldn’t hit me so damn hard, bc I was doing so well. Feeling so deeply lonely without my friend and feeling like a complete outsider with other women even tho my fantasy is to have a group of close female friends.