Lonely

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    Community Voices

    Kids are grown,
    divorced,
    another holiday alone. They were wonderful when my kids were growing up. Now I just don’t want to be here.

    7 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Life sucks at times

    Feeling lonely, angry, lashing out, then remorse, saying nasty things to people that care about me, not feeling part of my family, they’d be better off without me! The list goes on and it’s exhausting

    3 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    In Terrible Pain That Won’t Go Away

    <p>In Terrible Pain That Won’t Go Away</p>
    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    1 step forward 10 back

    I have belonged to this site for a while but never really sure how it works so i thought i'd send this today and see how it goes.

    I have depression, Panic attacks and agoraphobia

    I am a carer to my husband who is on oxygen and has memory issues.

    My mum became very ill 7 months ago with kidney failure, i have also been supporting her, i have 4 siblings but none will help, mum is on dialysis 3 times a week, she has recently went into aged care in a nursing home.

    I also have 4 adult sons

    my marriage isn't really a marriage, i'm not sure what you call it but i feel if i knew what i know now i never would have married him.

    Its not because he is sick it is because he is verbally abusive and i believe a narcissist.

    I have one grandchild who I barely see because we are not good enough for my sons wife, i've never been allowed to babysit or even go to any of his birthdays, i wasnt even invited to the wedding.

    I have another son who has anger issues, he can be a nice person but then can get very angry.

    my other two sons are the only ones that are some what supportive and will help and visit.

    I have no friends, no one to say your doing a good job and no one to talk to when i'm struggling.

    i am very lonely i get very depressed and work hard to to build myself up, i become a bit strong and make a plan to do things i like and to be happier and just cope but every time i seem to be doing better someone in my family brings me down.

    My husband says some terrible things to me and the son with anger issues will argue with me and then days later speak to me like nothing happened.

    When these things happen i then have a lot of self doubt thinking who am i kidding i cant do this or that, then the depression hits again and i can barely get out of bed.

    How do you stop caring about what other people say?

    I have gone from this happy chatty person to someone that now barely speaks, i stay quiet thinking if i don't say anything then no one will turn on me, it sometimes works but as soon as their moods are bad i am the person that cops it.

    I feel like i no longer have a voice

    due to many reasons i am unable to get out of the situation.

    How does one build themselves up and ignore what others say?

    i am dealing with a lot with zero support

    thanks for listening

    #Depression

    5 people are talking about this
    Monika Sudakov

    How Having a Disorganized Attachment Style Makes Me Unpredictable

    Have you ever heard of attachment style? Do you know what your attachment style is? It can be an extremely useful lens through which we interpret our feelings and behaviors in relationship to others. Mine is “disorganized” and let me tell you, it can get in the way of fomenting strong connections with others, which can really hamper one’s ability to heal from trauma. Having done some work in this arena and psycho education on attachment theory, I thought it may be helpful information to others to start thinking about their own attachment style and to read about what it looks like in terms of my own lived experience. What is Attachment Theory? Attachment Theory is a psychological and evolutionary framework originally proposed by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the mid-20th century. The central tenet is that a child must develop a secure emotional bond with a primary caregiver, which will insure that child’s survival by providing comfort and protection. This responsive (enough) caregiver thereby creates a secure base from which a child can go on to explore the world. Put simply, an attuned parent who reliably reacts to the needs of a child will create a foundational sense of security, from which that child can grow into a healthy and emotionally resilient adult. The four primary attachment styles are: Secure: This represents an ideal child/parent attachment based in the stability of the responsive caregiver creating a resilient, trusting child able to rely on others. Ambivalent: When a child cannot rely on a parent they may become distressed and therefore can be somewhat clingy toward their caregivers for fear that they won’t return. Avoidant: These children have learned that relying on a caregiver can be dangerous. They could have experienced abuse or neglect or may have even been punished by the caregiver for seeking out their support. As a result, these children will often avoid the caregiver and become self-reliant. Disorganized: These children often vacillate from being ambivalent to avoidant. They have experienced the caregiver to be inconsistent and therefore they don’t know when and if that parent will respond. This often occurs where a child has experienced prolonged abuse or neglect or has grown up with an emotionally immature or unavailable parent. What does this mean in adulthood? While these attachment styles develop in childhood, they persist into adulthood and can manifest in myriad ways within an adult’s relationships to others. Individuals like myself, who have a history of chronic trauma throughout childhood (C-PTSD) often grow up struggling to maintain healthy relationships. It’s as if we never developed the imprint of what that should look like to be able to emulate it. We lack the skills, emotional awareness, trust and confidence to seek out, nurture and cultivate relationships with healthy others, and this can cause devastating effects. In my own experience growing up with an absentee father and single mother who had untreated mental health issues and her own unresolved trauma history, I often felt alone, confused, and afraid of which mommy would show up in any given moment. I became keenly adept at assessing my mother’s mental state before engaging with her…avoiding her if I could sense she wasn’t able to attune to my needs in an effort to not just protect her, but to save myself from the pain of feeling like I was a burden and was being rejected. Other times when she was in a good headspace she could be fun and playful—almost a fellow playmate rather than a caregiver. When nurturing, protection or guidance were needed, I learned to rely on myself—not exactly an effective long term strategy, but certainly an adaptive one for survival. This chaotic childhood led me to be an unpredictable adult where relationships are concerned. For the most part in my teens and early adulthood, I avoided others and isolated out of fear that I would overwhelm them or be somehow too much. It led me to be incredibly lonely and incapable of articulating my needs or feelings. I was very shut down, dissociated to the point that I have very few memories of that period. Even when I am shown photos from that era with myself in them, it’s like I’m looking at another person. It doesn’t jog any kind of connection to a memory or cognitive narrative. It’s something I find deeply distressing now when I talk to people I knew then. They will recount stories of things we did together or something memorable and I can’t connect to these memories at all. It’s as though I was living in some kind of checked out zombie state, a hallmark symptom of “disorganized” attachment. As I grew older, particularly when I met my husband, I would vacillate from wanting to be around him all the time to shutting him out. Physical proximity would sometimes terrify me and other times feel soothing. Emotional proximity had to be carefully and slowly cultivated so that I didn’t get flooded and pull the proverbial rip cord. Somehow I think our unique childhood experiences and attachment styles were matched enough that we were able to communicate on a level that felt safe enough for us to establish security. Although, even after 24 years of marriage I sometimes go silent and withdraw if I feel overwhelmed, not because I don’t trust him, but almost out of habit. The person you love the most is the one who can hurt you the most, so you have to protect yourself from being rejected. It’s an insidious pattern of behavior that’s hard to break. I have also struggled immensely with friendships because I felt wholly unworthy of them and was deeply concerned that being my full authentic self would eventually send them running for the hills. When I did dip my toe into the proverbial friendship waters, I’d inevitably sabotage the relationship by either withdrawing or being too clingy. Finding the balance between the two has taken a ton of therapy and self-reflection (and a super attuned therapist who recognized my disorganized attachment for what it was, rather than some kind of pathology). It’s only in the past three to four years that I feel as though I have enough of a grasp of my trauma history and upbringing and how it affects my attachment style to adequately manage friendships. When I get the urge to pull away, I push myself to reach out and am often pleasantly surprised at the degree to which friends want to be there for me. When I find myself becoming too co-dependent, I resist the temptation to over text or fixate on when our last communication was or what the tone of their message was. I’m far more able to navigate my instinctual urge to self-blame, and I’ve learned to take a step back and remind myself that often a lack of engagement has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what’s going on in their lives. It’s hard though, I’m not going to lie. Small triggers can set me back, re-enacting that well honed instinct to attempt to predict the mood of and potential response from every human I encounter.  And when I do I tend to regress into my child self, behaving in ways that seem like an overreaction or a hyper-response to whatever I perceive to be going on. This often results in my apologizing to whoever I lash out against, typically my husband or therapist, since they are the most secure attachments I have. Its almost like I can practice retraining that insecure child’s impulses without fear of abandonment with them. If you are curious about your own attachment style and how it may be impacting your relationships, I recommend asking your therapist, if you are seeing one, to do a formal attachment assessment with you. There are also free ones online that while not as accurate may at least give you a starting point to work with. Once you understand what you are working with, you can begin the process of slowly retraining yourself, which can be a game changer on your healing journey.

    Community Voices

    PMDD and why we need to talk about it

    I have PMDD. I have been suffering with this since I was a young teenager and I believe even before that. PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and it is considered a mood disorder that is caused by hormones and the neurotransmitters not taking these hormones well during your luteal phase. Basically my brain freaks out when certain hormones are going through my body during this time of my menstrual cycle. Most people experience symptoms such as anxiety, depression, rage, bloating or inflammation, muscle pain, intense food cravings, increased sensitivity to rejection, self-critical thoughts, and sometimes suicidal ideation.

    I got my menstrual cycle when I was 10 years old and I remember being really scared. I was told that they were so painful but I was not sure what that would look like. My mom did her best to make sure I understood the foundation of menstrual cycles and what I would need each month but nothing could have prepared her for the years to come where each month I would be filled with rage, depression, suicidal ideation, and all of the other challenges that came with it and no clear diagnosis.

    I did not get a clear diagnosis until about a year ago when I started to do research on menstrual cycles and found out about PMDD. My mom told me how she mentioned it to my pediatrician because she could see that I had issues when I was about to start menstruating but nothing ever came of it and he said to take Advil 3 days before I started to menstruate. She thought back to when she was in her early 20’s and would always be filled with rage and anger before getting her period but didn’t realize this was not a normal reaction. Even before I got a clear diagnosis she was always able to help me realize that it was my ‘PMS’ that was causing me to feel this way. We did not realize this was something other women experienced and that it was in no way PMS and it was a completely different issue causing me to feel this way. It was isolating, lonely, and frustrating not knowing exactly what was going on with my body and mind. I would go to therapy for anxiety and depression and try to track everything but we weren’t solely focusing on one mental health condition because we did not know that’s what it was. I went to the doctor multiple times to get my hormones and thyroid checked and everything always came back normal. It wasn’t until I did research on PMDD and found that no blood test will be able to tell you if you have PMDD because it is not a hormone imbalance it is a mental health condition caused by hormones.

    When I found out about PMDD it only brought a small amount of relief for me because I started to think about the journey that would be ahead trying to learn how to manage it. I was in undergrad, living on my own, and working full time on top of having these symptoms. I was stuck in survival mode until I graduated recently and now I have been left with no choice but to face this. I started to experience more intense suicidal thoughts during my luteal phase and would have intense emotions where I would tell myself I was not good enough. All of the stress I had experienced throughout school and life in general finally caught up and making itself known it was there and it needed to be dealt with. PMDD causes so much emotional and physical turmoil each month that I had to accept I needed to heal from all of the trauma my body had been going through. I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since I was 14 years old and suicidal thoughts were not a new occurrence for me but this level of mental imbalance was new and I needed to learn how to manage it.

    I currently am going back to therapy and I have found a lot of support through the IAPMD (International Association for PMDD and PME) Facebook page and support groups. They offer a wide range or resources and information if you are needing help with guidance. 1 in 20 people are impacted by PMDD and it is not just cis-gendered women. It’s important to stay aware that there are non-binary, gender fluid, trans, and others who don’t always identify as a cis woman but they still get a menstrual cycle. This inclusivity is important to stay aware of because it can help researchers find how this can impact specific populations too. There is help and support out there and talking more about your experience is the first step to educating not just other peers but professionals who may not be aware of this condition.

    #PMDD #Anxiety #Depression #BansOffOurBodies #RoeVWade #Period #MenstrualCycle #MentalHealth

    3 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Lonely World.

    <p><a href="https://themighty.com/topic/lonely/?label=Lonely" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b576bd95851f800ae359ae6" data-name="Lonely" title="Lonely" target="_blank">Lonely</a> World.</p>
    10 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Anxiety for my kid even in a pretty place

    <p><a href="https://themighty.com/topic/anxiety/?label=Anxiety" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ce5f00553f33fe98d1b4" data-name="Anxiety" title="Anxiety" target="_blank">Anxiety</a> for my kid even in a pretty place</p>
    9 people are talking about this

    The Evolution of My Depression Through a Timeline of Songs

    Music has saved my life more than once, and I mean that quite literally. When my depression is especially bad, I turn to music. I’ve always found that listening to music helps me work through the intensity of what I’m feeling, and there are songs that distinctly stand out from certain periods of my life. I can go back to a song I listened to years ago during a rough patch, and I’m immediately brought back to that time in my life. I created a timeline of my depression using these songs, because I find it shows how my depression has evolved over the years, and how I’ve changed. The “Pre Depression” Era (before 2012) I started experiencing depression when I was 11 or 12, but didn’t have the words for it or know what it was. I remember listening to these songs in my teenage years and relating to them, but not understanding that I probably had depression. 1. “How To Save A Life” by The Fray I think this was the first song I heard that ever talked about struggling in this kind of way before, and it stuck with me. I felt so hopeless, and like I was all alone, so I took a lot of comfort in the idea that people would stay up with someone all night to save them or help them. 2. “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry When I first started experiencing suicidal ideation, I remember it being so all encompassing. I thought about what it would be like if I died a lot. I spent time thinking about my funeral, and how people would react. I think it helped me stay alive in some way because I didn’t want to make anyone sad. But I also never really thought I’d live a long life, so the sentiment of “If I die young” felt very relatable for me. 3. “Life is Beautiful” by Vega4 I played this song on repeat when I was a depressed teenager, hoping that I would start to believe that life was beautiful. I liked that the song talked about how hard life can be. It was comforting to hear the juxtaposition of “life is beautiful / but it’s complicated / we barely make it.” With so much toxic positivity, this different take meant a lot to me. The Big Sad Era (2012-2017) The year I was officially diagnosed with depression and started to take medication was rough. I was constantly suicidal and attempted to take my life on more than one occasion. This patch lasted about five years, and music was a consistent lifeline. I’ve sometimes called this time in my life The Dark Ages, because it was such a bad and hard time in my life. I didn’t know how to cope with the pain I was in, and felt very out of control. 4. “Where Is My Mind” by Maxence Cyrin I don’t remember when I heard this song for the first time, but it was the song I would play every time I had a panic attack, every time I was trying to push down the urge to self harm, every time I cried myself to sleep. It’s difficult for me to listen to when I’m feeling OK because it takes me to those moments, but I still go to it in my hardest moments. 5. Kodaline’s “Coming Up For Air” album I listened to this album a lot during this time, but especially “Honest,” “Unclear,” and “Lost.” I enjoyed the calm, sad sound of their music, but the lyrics often said the words I didn’t have myself. When you’re depressed, it’s so hard to talk and articulate yourself. The lyrics made me feel less alone without me having to talk about what I was feeling. The Living With Depression Era (2017-Present) By this point, depression had become a part of my life and I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. I started to accept my depression more, and while I still get very depressed and experience suicidal ideation, I understand how to cope with it better. 6. “Broken” by lovelytheband It’s catchy, it’s dancey, it’s the song I blast when I’m getting some air and blowing off steam. The upbeat melody tricks me into feeling a bit better, while still talking about being lonely and broken. 7. “Shadow” by Birdy There’s something hauntingly beautiful about Birdy’s voice, and I remember listening to this song non-stop in 2019. Depression is like a shadow that always follows me around, so this song was fitting. But yet there was something comforting about this song as well — the idea that maybe the people in my life are shadows too, and will be around no matter what. 8. “Let It All Go” by Birdy 2019 was a BIG year for me and Birdy. I had to take a mental health leave from work, and this song was one I listened to every day. I was broken, and the line “I don’t know why we break so hard” hit so close to home, and the idea of letting things go was a very important theme for me at the time. I was holding onto a lot, and I needed to let go. There are at least 20 more songs that belong to each of these eras, because I’m almost always listening to music. These stand out a lot as important ones, but you can hear more of them here. Music will always be a huge part of my journey with depression, and even now listening to these songs again, I can feel the pain from different points in my life when these songs were important. I feel lucky that I had these songs to help me through, and I hope that there is always a song to help you with the hard moments.

    Community Voices

    What Fibro Pain Feels Like

    Last night, I was in deep pain. My chest contracts whenever I move in bed. My spine feels like breaking every time I stretch my torso and legs. My arms should remain a bit tilted to support my sides, or else, I feel like my rib cage will collapse in pain.

    I wished to die in my sleep.

    Doctors say that sleep is the best answer to address chronic pain. But to get there, it feels like an uphill battle – and a long fight with dragons on a cliff. I wish to fall into that cliff and so I could plunge into the ocean and float to inexistence.

    I wished to stop worrying if the lumps around my breast and the big ones on my armpits are nothing but another fibromyalgia muscle spasms and nodules. I wished they were not as bad as they felt like whenever I touched them. One light stroke to knead these lumps brought pain that radiated through my whole body.

    I am so tired of this ache.

    I miss having regular therapy – physical and cognitive behavioral therapeutic sessions, I mean. But that will cost a lot in a third world country where I am in. I don’t even have enough to cover food and bills in the next few weeks. There’s no discount on people with this kind of disability here. All standards, in private offices and as a citizen, I follow as it is expected from able bodied individuals. Paying the same kind of taxes or the same attendance policies meant there’s no way to keep myself afloat but to just go with the flow. And with the flow I go. I must say, life on earth is so hard. It is even harder for people who do their best to play fair.

    Probably, in my dream land, when I indulge in pleasuring myself, I would feel a momentary relief. So, I tried it, just like many lonely nights in the last decades. Even if I knew I was just fooling myself, I still did it. But at the back of my mind, I agree that no placebo can eclipse the deep pain I am in.

    The nights when I was first touched when I was a little child played on and on in my head. And there were times I would tell myself, maybe because I gave in 10 years after that time, I was doomed to live in agony. The push and pull of wanting to be pure while in an impure body have been torturous. And so probably, the build-up of guilt and shame on top of my longing for real parental love has caused my body to say, “I give up.”

    I cried and cried and repented of my sins. Maybe I deserve this. After all, I am a wretched woman just saved by grace.

    I would probably be better off when I stop breathing.

    I want to see my Creator. Maybe when we finally see each other, He will tell me why I have to endure such pain. But even He doesn’t, it will be okay. I just really want to rest with Him.

    P.S. I am not suicidal. I just used ‘death’ as a metaphor to describe the pain.

    #fibromyalgia #ChronicPain

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