When I Realized I Could Be 'Broken and Beautiful'

I’ve been a “professional patient” most of my life. You name it, I’ve probably had it done — blood work, CT scans, MRIs and surgeries. There are bad hair days, no makeup days, and lazy days if I am not feeling the greatest. But if you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn’t know what I’ve been through. You’d see someone who looks healthy and well. I wish that were the case.

After being married, I had this notion I’d be the kind of wife who’d multitask and keep up with the housework and run errands for my husband while he’s at work. I was able to be “Wonder Woman” for a while, until my Crohn’s started flaring. I had my medication changed, and it seemed to put me back into remission.

Then I had a stroke at the age of 37. It took me a full year to recover from being temporarily paralyzed on my right side. I also had side effects as a result, and I realized I was not the same person I was before. I couldn’t do the things I used to do. I’d have to take things one day at a time and accept the fact that this is the new normal for me.

I started to feel like an outcast because I didn’t look perfect compared to high-fashion women. I figured they had everything including looks, confidence, a career and a well-polished demeanor. I felt like a rag doll who was falling apart. I’ve had many surgeries that left “war scars” all over my body. I felt like a nobody, a broken cast-off.

Eventually, I realized I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. It’s OK to have a day where I wear sweats and a t-shirt to feel comfortable, especially if I am feeling under the weather. I am not trying to impress anybody, and I know my friends accept me the way I am, scars and all. They don’t care if I live in a ranch house, drive a used car and don’t look like a movie star.

There are so many unreasonable standards in society today. There’s perfection in sports. If a person is good at it, they are worshiped as a hero. If someone sings really well and gets a label, they are considered rich and famous. The list goes on. People who are in wheelchairs, use crutches due to an amputated leg, cancer patients who have to wear a wig because of chemo, stroke survivors etc. are often teased or made fun of because they look “weird,” “ugly” or a “freak of nature.” Why should they be the target of ignorance and their self-esteem put down because of their physical or mental differences?

We have feelings just like everyone else. When there’s encouragement and positivity, self-esteem grows. When there’s no pressure to be perfect, all of us can be who we are. Instead of constantly attempting to fit society’s unreasonable standards, we should be embracing and celebrating our unique characteristics.

It reminds me of a song by Kelly Clarkson, “Broken and Beautiful.” She emphasizes that we don’t have to change a thing about ourselves. Our brokenness is beautiful, and our uniqueness should be celebrated.