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Constantly Living in Fear of 'What If' After a Stroke

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I am constantly living in fear of dying. I know this may sound absurd to the average human being, but it is constantly on my mind. I would say that it would consume about 50 percent of my waking hours. “How can you think this way?” one may ask? Well, I’ve stared death in the face once before. I’ve talked about this with some people, so I don’t hide it, but most don’t know. I’ve had an out of body experience.

In 2012, I sustained a massive brain stem stroke. I was taken to a local hospital and started to lose consciousness while they were working on me. I could literally feel myself slipping from my body. I saw myself float to the ceiling, watching my body and the nurses and reflecting on my life, thinking about my husband and kids and the rest of my family. It was the idea of them that drew me back to my body. It was almost like giving up was selfish. But I was there. Right on the edge of death.

That experience is hard to forget. At the age of 38, I’m not ready to die! I’ve got two kids and an amazing husband to grow old with. Yet, there is this constant nagging at the pit of my stomach, the back of my head, whatever you want to call it, that makes me think about death. Am I going to have another stroke? Having a blood clot this summer then heart issues this fall hasn’t helped the matter.

There are those who will say “Snap out of it. Just don’t think about it.” When these thoughts consume me so much, how can I? Am I the only one?

Getty image by Mango Juicy.

Originally published: March 11, 2018
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