To My Suicidal Thoughts:
You’ve been in my head for the past few years, as a constant thought and stream of consciousness. You are a part of me. I spend so much time talking about you and what you do to me, that I’ve never actually addressed you.
I’m angry with you. Of course there’s obvious reasons why I’m upset with you. You don’t make me feel good. You make me question myself. You put a shadow over my happiness, and you torment me with myself. But that’s just the surface. I’m angry because there’s apart of you that provides me with comfort. You’re a warm blanket on rainy days in bed. You’re a cup of coffee in the middle of the night. You’re not good for me, but I still have a soft spot for you.
I don’t know how it’s comforting to have you around. I think part of it is because I’ve made you my truth. You’ve infected me with thinking there’s no other way out. You’ve caused me to think you’re the only answer; that I’m destined to follow through with you. I fantasize about you. You’re a dark day dream.
But as I grow older, I’ve come to realize you don’t love me back. You’re abusive. You’re mean. You don’t want me to enjoy my family, or friends, or follow through with my passions. You want me to stay with you, drown with you, be engulfed in you. That’s not love. That’s control. All these years I looked at you for an answer, but all you wanted was to be the dominating thought in my brain. You want to win, and that’s your end game. You want me to die. And that’s not the kind of love I’m searching for from myself. I don’t want to take my life; I want to live it… even if you try to tell me differently.
I want to leave you; but the truth is you will always be part of me. You will come back in dark times, and you will float through my head even on wondrous days. I don’t know if I will ever be free entirely from you. You have grown roots within me, and I will have to do a lot of work to have you gone. You’re not something I can just shut off. Even though you infect me, you’re not an infection. You’re chronic, and I don’t have much control over when you come. I would banish you if I could. That’s just not how you work. You’re an unwelcome permanent guest.
I’m sure you’ve noticed me drifting away. I’ve noticed you trying to come back to me stronger than ever. Yes, I can hear you, but I’m choosing to ignore you. And it’s hard, because you try to reel me in with such sweet words. You entice me with empty promises. But I’ve fallen in love with something else; life. Life doesn’t provide me with comfort; it pushes me outside to dance in the rain instead. Life makes me think hard about the future, and all the destinations I will reach, not just my last stop. Life is scary, because it’s unpredictable; but I’d rather take the gamble than succumb to your darkness again. Life will be my secret weapon to live long, and happy. Life is the reason I will win against mental illness. I know even though my choice is Life, you will still come back to haunt me. And I know someday you may take over again, and I may lose briefly. But you’ll never defeat me. You will never fully have me.
You are tempting; but you won’t take me. And I’ll spend the rest of my life fighting against you, if that’s what it takes.
-A Mental Warrior
Follow this journey on Taylor’s site.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Tea is the writer behind the viral hit In The Gray Area Of Being Suicidal, an essay about living with constant suicidal ideation. After publishing this article Tea spent four years dedicating themselves to mental health advocacy, which now has lead to her spiritual practice and opening of their own online witchery shop. Currently, Tea is writing an essay book about how mental health and magic intersect along with stories of recovery, films short films and cover songs, and is managing their BPD one day at a time.
teajones