The Mighty Logo

The Trauma and Pain People Did Not Notice

The most helpful emails in health
Browse our free newsletters

Seasonal depression is nothing new to me. Certain times of year remind me of the pain I have experienced in years past.

October 2019 was a very painful month. This is the time when things took a turn for the worst. The events of late 2019 and early 2020 led to my hospitalization in a mental health facility. This was a dark time when I first began to seriously have thoughts of suicide.

One thing that is important to remember is that not everyone who is suicidal wants to die. I wanted life as I knew it to end. I did not want my life to end. This is a topic that we often run away from. Talking about it actually prevents it.

There were things I wanted people to know, but couldn’t say. Given what has changed between then and now, I wish those around me had seen the signs. I look back on those times when I was not doing well wishing more people had noticed. I acted out. I was not myself. No one asked what was bothering me to make me behave out of the ordinary. I struggled alone during this dark time. Even in a crowd of people I felt invisible. I had begun to think no one would notice should something happen to me.

I was stuck in a hard place. I did not have co-workers or associates to take me out after a rough day. The few friends that I had left were all spread out living their lives and battling their own trials.

Unfortunately, late 2019 and in early 2020, I was surrounded by one tragedy after another. I had to cope with the deaths of acquaintances. Funerals became extremely triggering for me. So much was going on that I never really had the chance to express how I was impacted. While others expressed their grief, there was something building up within me that I did know how to cope with.

It would not have been fair of me to expect others to claim my troubles as their own. I also began to see that the people near me had no trouble doing this depending on the situation. When there is a death, people send food, cards, and flowers. I paid close attention to the outpouring of support that comes with a tragedy. Slowly, I began to believe that in order for me to be seen and heard, something tragic would have to happen to me. Among the losses that stacked up during this time, I almost lost myself.

Ever since, autumn reminds me of the trauma. I find myself having flashbacks and “what ifs.” My therapist reminded me how important it is not to forget my trauma. I have been reminded by my therapist that I can look back on how far I have come, rather than worrying about the trauma that people did not notice. The further I get from that time, the more I can see how much I have grown.

Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash

Originally published: November 17, 2021
Want more of The Mighty?
You can find even more stories on our Home page. There, you’ll also find thoughts and questions by our community.
Take Me Home