Stephen tWitch Boss' Death Should Have Us Demanding Change

It’s taken a while for me to find the right words. Of course it’s always shocking, jarring, and sad when we learn of someone taking their own life. But for some reason, when we heard the news that Stephan “tWitch” Boss had become the most recent seemingly happy, dancing, smiling and successful celebrity to kill themselves, the onslaught of social media posts directing those who are struggling to call the 988 suicide and crisis lifeline made me feel triggered, and I felt angry.

Whenever we hear of yet another mass shooting, we get angry — it shouldn’t have happened again. We’ve got to do something about it, right? We demand change at the highest level, including new legislation around gun control. We even acknowledge that we need to address the mental health crisis in this country. Of course nothing ever changes, which is frustrating and maddening to say the least, but at least we, as a society, recognize that what we are doing is not good enough. It sparks conversation.

When someone famous dies by suicide, we suddenly act like we have a solution in place. We remind people to check on each other, that if you’re struggling, you can just call this magical number and that’ll get you through it. We talk about breaking the stigma. We pretend that if we just *use* the system that’s in place to help us, it would work. I saw mental health professionals share the number. People who have struggled for years with their mental health shared the number. Everyone shared the number.

Have you ever called 988? Because I have. I think that the lifeline is an excellent *start* to supporting those who are struggling — for those who don’t yet have the skills to help themselves, or don’t have a support system in place. And I suppose it even worked for me, because I am still here. However, we throw this number around like it’s the fix. And I’m here to tell you, it is not. Offering up 988 seems like the mental health crisis equivalent to offering “thoughts and prayers” after a mass shooting. It’s something, but it is not nearly enough.

Why does the response to mass shootings have us calling for change in the mental health care system, but suicide does not? Mental health care is a privilege, not a right in this country. Why are we not demanding affordable and accessible mental health care for everyone? Why don’t we have a national network of first responders who are trained social workers and counselors?

When my 6-year-old was in crisis, my only option was to call the police. He was “too severe a case” for the crisis counselors I tried to call (he was a 6-year-old having an epic temper tantrum — one that I needed help dealing with, but I promise you, not one that a trained mental health professional couldn’t have handled). Once the acute crisis has passed, do you know how long it takes to get an appointment with a mental health provider? It takes weeks at best. To find one who takes insurance? Sometimes months. To find a good provider who can, and will take you on, despite your complex history or diagnoses? Years. Often the only way to get into any type of more intensive program without a wait is to come from an inpatient facility. If you’re just a “regular” person who needs help — if you’re “not sick enough”— you must wait for that help.

A friend of mine is trying to find the right medication combo for her mental health, which includes a stimulant. Do you know how expensive stimulants are? They’re far more than is any other mental health medication I’ve been on. My insurance company has a cost estimating tool to help guide your health planning decisions. Know what class of medications they won’t disclose? Stimulants. The expensive ones. And I get it — they don’t want to advertise the street value for those looking to sell them because they are a highly abused class of drugs. But who are the ones who suffer, who have to jump through hoops and spend hours upon hours shopping around, looking for a medication they can afford, and perhaps settle for one that isn’t as effective just because it’s cheaper? It’s those who need that medication that are being “punished.” I have another friend who was recently drug tested to “prove” that they were actually taking their stimulant and not selling it. There was no suspicion of misuse, they were told that it was “routine.” And when that stimulant didn’t show up on the drug test (which can be explained by a variety of legitimate reasons), my friend was accused of being a drug dealer, was refused a refill, and then put on a weeks-long wait list for a psychiatrist who could help provide them relief, while they suffered without a valuable tool that helped them survive and thrive.

None of this is good enough! We need to wake up, and start demanding and enacting effective and reliable solutions to the suicide and mental health epidemic in this country. I don’t have all the answers or know the perfect solution. But I know that employers need to start prioritizing the mental health and overall well-being of their employees. We need not just allowed, but mandated time off, and we need sufficient pay and benefits provided to us that allow us to seek the support they need before it is too late. We need to stop idolizing workaholics and parents who put themselves last. Those are not admirable traits, nor are they healthy or what’s best for those they are caring for or serving.

The best thing I have ever done for my kids as a mom was to put myself first. Because until I did, I was not my best self and was, at best, a mediocre mother. Putting my needs on the back burner drove me to an emotional breakdown and a 10-day stay in a mental hospital. How good was I for my kids then? This might not be a popular stance, but since putting myself first and recognizing that I am my #1 — not my kids — I am now the best damn mom I can be to my children, and am caring for them better than I ever have. Taking care of myself and modeling self-care and healthy physical and emotional habits is how I can show my kids how much I love them and how important and worthy they are. It’s how I can teach them to be their best selves, so that in turn, they can be the best friends, employees, partners and maybe parents down the line.

Ending the mental health crisis isn’t about breaking the stigma; it’s about systemic change. It’s about not pretending that it’s heroic to not take care of ourselves. It’s about building each other up rather than tearing each other down. It’s about supporting each other, and showing kindness, compassion and empathy to every single person we come across. We can do better. We must do better.