10 Things I've Learned in the 1000 Days Since My Son Died by Suicide
Editor’s note: If you have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
My son Tom died by suicide one thousand days ago. The day seems like a milestone worthy of insight, so I have complied the most important things I have learned in these most difficult of days.
1. Tom’s death was not my fault.
His depression and anxiety were what killed him. For the most part, I have learned to redirect my self-blame to his disorders, but there are also times I still feel as though I failed him.
2. His absence is not less palpable.
I still feel it every single day. But I have also learned to function in his absence.
3. I still see his death scene.
But it is more episodic now, like something I can almost turn on and off. Except when I can’t. But I also have learned I do not need to remember it to remember him. Picturing our happy times together is far more enjoyable and constructive.
4. Finding an outlet for my grief has been a huge part of my healing process.
Writing and engaging in dialogue about our experience has allowed me a way to keep talking about Tom in a productive way.
5. Prevention therapy has been a key part of my healing.
Consoling those with similar recent losses, working to reduce the stigma around mental illness and instructing others about the steps to take if they are concerned about someone they love gives purpose to my life.
6. Counseling, to work through both my grief and PTSD, has been paramount in my moving forward.
Learning grounding skills makes it easier to work through the worst moments.
7. Counseling with my husband likely saved our marriage.
It’s helped us understand each other’s grief journey and likely saved our marriage after our life-changing loss. Knowing that we grieve differently and how we can best support each other during our lows has strengthened our relationship.
8. Choosing to recognize Tom’s presence rather than his absence brings joy to moments which might otherwise tear me apart.
Hearing certain songs, seeing yellow sunsets, hearing groan-worthy puns all remind me of Tom’s special place in our world.
9. Our family is supported.
Friends, neighbors, co-workers and family surrounded us with love and lifted us up in prayers and support. Each has played a significant role in our ability to talk freely about Tom and therefore, grieve openly. This emotional allowance has assisted in our healing process.
10. I have learned to be comfortable in my grief while at the same time knowing I will never be the same.
Tom’s death broke me, but through these thousand days, I have been reborn into someone new, someone with a mission, someone who feels things deeper, and someone with eyes to see further into those who are hurting. Tom’s legacy is making me a better person, willing to serve others in a new way in hopes of changing our world a little at a time.
I know there will come a time Tom will have been absent more from my life than he was present, but I cannot begin to understand how that will feel. I vow continue to face each day as best I can, honoring his presence while mourning his absence.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Kimberly A. Starr earned a Bachelor of Arts in Theatre from Whitman College and a Masters in Theatre Production from Central Washington University. After her son 16-year-old son, Tom, died by suicide in March 2015, she started writing as a way to process her feelings around her loss. Her pieces about her grief and the aftermath of her son's death have been published by The Mighty, Our Side of Suicide, The Ugly Shoes Club, and other national and international blogs and publications. She compiled the writings from the first 457 days of her loss into a book called, 457 Days; A Mother’s Journey Along Grief’s Path. In addition, Starr owns and operates StarrBright Suicide Prevention Presentations. After Tom’s death, she felt called to learn more about suicide and mental health conditions. Starr regularly presents research-based information in combination with her son’s writings with a broad range of audiences in hopes others will not experience the depth of pain involved in losing a loved one to suicide. Previous audiences have included Pacific Northwest National Laboratory Wellness Program, Yakima Valley College Grandview Campus – in classrooms and for student groups, Kadlec Hospital, Washington State Day of Remembrance Conference for Gold Star Families, Prosser School District – in classrooms and for school staff, Prosser Rotary Club, and multiple mental health and suicide prevention summits.
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