The 5 Stones I Carry After My Daughter Died by Suicide

We have all heard of sayings or idioms with these words:

“You are my rock.”

“Set in stone”

“Rock bottom”

“Stone dead”

“On the rocks”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

Since my daughter Chaney passed away, I’ve had many stones weighing me down. Here are the stones I still can not let go of. I have been able to toss some stones away from myself, but some remain.

1. I miss my daughter every moment since she left me.

I can’t get this pit out of my stomach. She loved me. She always knew I worked hard to give her what she needed and wanted. I miss her voice. I miss the smell of her hair and the wonderful hugs she gave me. She is my first love, and my only daughter.

2. A deep depression has taken over my heart.

I never thought I would outlive one of my children. I certainly never thought I would lose one to suicide. This isn’t a just depression. I have post-traumatic stress disorder, so many things can send me into tears.

3. I feel guilty.

I am a logical person. I know in my mind it is not my fault she is gone, but my heart tells me another story. A mother should always protect her children. How could I not notice? How can I make my heart understand this isn’t my fault. I feel guilty I survived and she did not.

4. My heart is so broken.

Nothing in my life is the same after September 23, 2015. How do you mend a broken heart that has been torn to little pieces?

5. Suicide took my baby away from me.

I hate you suicide. I will fight you until my last breath.

You will not take another person from me. One by one, I will find my answer, and I will toss these stones into the Tennessee River. I will allow the water to wash away each of my stones, and the river will drag them down to the bottom where they belong.