I’m suicidal.

And no, it’s not what you think.

I am safe.

I’m not harming myself, but I am suicidal.

And I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t.

Being suicidal falls into a gray area for me.

I could be having the best day of my life, but suicidal thoughts will linger.

I wake up most mornings thinking I’d be better off dead.

I wake up thinking my family is better off without me, I try not to give power to it.

Being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts, it’s an actual feeling.

The feeling that you have an itch you can’t scratch.

That dark cloud is shrouding you, its anxiety and depression.

You’re drowning, there’s no air and coming down from that feeling takes so long you think it’s impossible.

These feelings aren’t reality though.

I know I have things to live for, I know things will get better, I know my family loves me, and the people who don’t like me don’t matter.

I know this feeling will pass.

People with mental illnesses live in dark places and gray areas.

It isn’t always just one day someone decided to end it, it can be years of torment, even on good days.

It’s a build up that comes in waves.

These feelings are never gone and I wish more than anything in this world, they would disappear.

Everyday may be hard, but it makes me stronger every day.

If you or someone you know needs support, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text HELLO to 741-741

Based on a piece by Taylor Jones