I know I am not a lazy person. I know I only have so much "bandwidth" to use. I am struggling with a demon (if you will) of the past.

I have neurocardiogenic syncope. It's the direct opposite of POTS. My heart rate drops at the snap of a finger. I used to be able to control it with fluids, electrolytes, and compression socks. That's not working anymore. I was some medication (I don't remember the name of it) to keep my heart rate elevated but it rose too much so I had to stop taking it.

Now my struggle. I have to pick and choose the things I can do. We just finished a three day Fine Arts competition with my school. Today I am sitting on my couch, looking around my living room, trying to decide if I have the energy to clean. I know that answer. I know that if I get up and start working I will pass clean out with in 30 minutes and not really wake up for two or three days. I know this because I have done this. However, in the back of my head I have our pastor from 15 to 18 years ago telling my husband, "She's not sick, she is LAZY. Give her vitamins and MAKE her exercise and she will be fine." So that is what my husband attempted to do.😫😩😫😩😫😫

This is not the mentality of my husband now. When my heart diagnosis (bicuspid aortic valve) came about eight years ago he changed his tune. If he walked in right now and saw me attempting to clean he would FREAK OUT! He would be putting me to be bed or pushing me to sit on the couch.

This is just me fighting my mental insecurities from 15 years ago. How to I win this battle?!?!? How do I remind myself I don't have the energy I had as a 19 year old. I don't have the energy I had as a 29 year old. I still had this disease/syndrome/disorder then. (I don't know what to call it.) Back then my bouts of downtime were less. I know I am not lazy...I know I simply lack the energy to do what I want to do...which right now is to get my house clean. I wish I had the money for a maid....just saying...😥

I have seriously got to get off this feeling sorry for myself kick and find something I can do. However, for now, I will sit on my couch and rest. #notlazy #NeurocardiogenicSyncope #rest #Itiswhatitis #thankfulformyfamily #thankfulformyhusband #thankfulformydaughters