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How do I overcome negative self talk?

I know I am not a lazy person. I know I only have so much "bandwidth" to use. I am struggling with a demon (if you will) of the past.

I have neurocardiogenic syncope. It's the direct opposite of POTS. My heart rate drops at the snap of a finger. I used to be able to control it with fluids, electrolytes, and compression socks. That's not working anymore. I was some medication (I don't remember the name of it) to keep my heart rate elevated but it rose too much so I had to stop taking it.

Now my struggle. I have to pick and choose the things I can do. We just finished a three day Fine Arts competition with my school. Today I am sitting on my couch, looking around my living room, trying to decide if I have the energy to clean. I know that answer. I know that if I get up and start working I will pass clean out with in 30 minutes and not really wake up for two or three days. I know this because I have done this. However, in the back of my head I have our pastor from 15 to 18 years ago telling my husband, "She's not sick, she is LAZY. Give her vitamins and MAKE her exercise and she will be fine." So that is what my husband attempted to do.😫😩😫😩😫😫

This is not the mentality of my husband now. When my heart diagnosis (bicuspid aortic valve) came about eight years ago he changed his tune. If he walked in right now and saw me attempting to clean he would FREAK OUT! He would be putting me to be bed or pushing me to sit on the couch.

This is just me fighting my mental insecurities from 15 years ago. How to I win this battle?!?!? How do I remind myself I don't have the energy I had as a 19 year old. I don't have the energy I had as a 29 year old. I still had this disease/syndrome/disorder then. (I don't know what to call it.) Back then my bouts of downtime were less. I know I am not lazy...I know I simply lack the energy to do what I want to do...which right now is to get my house clean. I wish I had the money for a maid....just saying...😥

I have seriously got to get off this feeling sorry for myself kick and find something I can do. However, for now, I will sit on my couch and rest. #notlazy #NeurocardiogenicSyncope #rest #Itiswhatitis #thankfulformyfamily #thankfulformyhusband #thankfulformydaughters

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I'm not lazy

I really like this quote below. I used to be able to do so much before I got ill in 2015.

When I'm in a flare up/crash I feel lazy so when I get up I try and do little jobs in between resting but I need to remember that I am so much more than my condition and that it does not define me. I just need to find ways to make my life a little easier to manage without burning out.


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Grit, Determination, and Sharpie Markers

Yesterday I was recovered from the Horrible Cat Vomit Storm of October 2021 and did well with my new checklist, but without the enthusiasm of Day One. Today I woke up so sore everything hurt, which was exhausting. I still got about half of my checklist items finished. All I cared about was getting rid of the pain. It was a 6 for me—so distracting it was hard to think. Plus my brother stressed me out by dropping clues that he plans to go looking abroad for his fake online boyfriend who I already proved is a scammer. He doesn’t care.

So anyway, yeah. That really cranks up my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia discomforts. And there’s even more stress that I just swallow daily, so my nest makes a lot of very compelling arguments for why that’s where I should be. I definitely self-medicate with apathy.

But my wanting to break the apathy habit is also for me and my well-being, demmit. I have made my nest the center of my life now for three years!! I have been healing from trauma, sure, but I need more than this for myself. I have more that I want to do, so I am struggling through whatever it takes to reclaim my life—for ME! I don’t want to lose the ability to choose someday.

I just have to keep trying as hard as it takes to make this Apathy Toolkit work better than helping me be productive only every other day. The Daily Checklist needs adjustments. Honestly, trying to shower every single day feels a bit out of reach for me right now. Heh. Just trying to keep it real for the good of the group. I figure that if I force myself to be honest for you then I’ll know I’m not just fooling myself.

I revived an old habit of writing notes to myself in sharpie on my bathroom mirror (It easily comes off with rubbing alcohol or other non-abrasive solvent cleaner.) The picture I posted of it had to be on an angle so you could see the words. First a big red heart that my face appears inside when I stand in front of the sink. Near the bottom it says, “Don’t let apathy own you.” At the top is this: “Have you… -Brushed your teeth -Brushed your hair -Washed your face …today?”

Tell me about your apathy.

#apathy #Depression #lowenergy #Productivity #Success #crash #Fibromyalgia #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #tired #Caffeine #lighttherapy #DepressionSymptoms #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression #SeasonalDepression #Lazy #notlazy #nope #Emptiness #FibroFog #LifeLessons #LifelimitingIllness #getthingsdone #toolkit #apathetic #BipolarDisorder


My life With Fibromyalgia #Fibromyalgia

I'm 23 and have Fibromyalgia (diagnosed at 21), depression and probably other undiagnosed conditions. I have only just begun my journey living with this condition and already I feel over it, how am I meant to continue life or grow old?

I have a loving partner of 8 yrs who I adore, but even he has trouble understanding my frustration and pain, and often forgets or dismisses the fact I'm Ill.

The issue is normal people don't live with it and therefore can't understand it fully. They still expect up to be healthy not realising its not a choice, and if we could we would be.

Healthy people wouldn't understand this, but I would rather have visible wounds, visible illnesses just so they could actually see, I'M SICK!

How do i get around this? How do live some form of normal life with this? NO, I'm not lazy. NO, I'm not going to get better with yoga or salad 24/7. THERE IS NO CURE, I WILL NEVER BE NORMAL!

But I will not be quiet, I will not pretend to be normal, I will listen to my body and give it what it needs. I'm not saying it will be easy, it will be an uphill battle, but anything is better than being quiet and submissive. I am a Fibromyalgia Warrior.

Thank you for reading my story, my life in a nutshell. Please comment, tell me if your going or have gone through the same thing, any advice? TIA #Depression #Fibromyalgia #notlazy #frustrated



Have you ever stopped to think about who you were before the laundry list of diagnoses? I have and still yet I see nothing. I don't see myself struggling to breathe, walk, talk, or even get out of the bed. My therapist, the second good one since 6 years ago, doesn't understand how I can't remember memories before the age of 14. He says it's interesting...I say who does that? Which Me remembers and when will she clue me in and not just with these flashes? Have you ever wondered if you could stay in your safe place and not have to live in the world? I have because living in this world, as an adult is scary and stressful. Question...? Who are you today? Idk I supposed to define myself through the tasks I'm supposed to do (even when I'm having a flareup and have been swollen for over a month, it hurts to even move...burns at my ankles when they have to bend to go down the stairs and meds seem to not work for me anymore)? The jobs I used to have (since medical/mental won't let me keep a career...I was a Case Manager..I used to help people [they magically progressed] even though I couldn't help myself...but now I have to focus on me..whatever that means because it sucks to have to look/work inward while expressing out)? Do I classify myself as "Mom" because my son depends on me (though he's been the one taking the dog out and bringing me cereal to my room and also helping me up after I choose to sit down's embarrassing to say the least but I'm grateful to be raising this young man right) to instill value and morals and to follow God and treat people well even if other people don't do it...Yep I'm Mom but what else? Am I the woman who it seems like every few months gets another diagnosis? S/O to my Me's for looking after me all these years because without them, I'd surely be dead. I'm making sure yall just don't replay the bad stuff by finding ways to express yourselves. Who are we after self-discovery and peace from our Father [God]? We are kind. We are nurturing. We are caring. We are good even when people don't think so. We also can flip that switch, when triggered, even when/how someone phrases their words...written or on paper. We don't need validation anymore from anyone else but selves. Sometimes it's like a board meeting in my head lbvs however whatever works out even if I was asleep. We are....We can own us and the crap we may recklessly get into...nope we've survivors not victims even though we've been hurt [sometimes we say damaged]. We are strong even when weak. We are not the doormat nor any garbage that've found it's way to the ground. We are capable. We are alive. We are diamonds...even through the ashes...we shine.  #Depression   #MajorDepressiveDisorder   #PTSD   #DissociativeIdentityDisorder   #GeneralAnxietyDisorder   #SocialAnxiety   #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder   #Fibromyalgiabattle #sunallergy #weshine   #ChronicIllness   #Thoughts   #Therapy   #question   #GodInTheMidstOfSuffering   #Godislove #god #notlazy

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Today is a.....#mehday

Today for me is a meh day, it's not a bad day, it's not a good day, it's not a inbetween day. It's just a meh day....I can't explain it, I can't describe it. However I don't feel like I have the engery or desire to do anything but stare out a window. My family calls it lazy and I don't even try anymore to explain to them that's it's not. Anyone else get these days...these days usually come before I have a very "low day" as I can then when my depression takes a plunge into the deep deep water of darkness... #MentalHealthDays #notlazy #Mybrainsucks #Relateable #Depression


trying to work with chronic fatigue

I'm having what I call a "floppy day" were even moving to type this is a struggle. because chronic fatigue from POTS is a thing, none of my family recognize it as a thing so I'm just labeled as lazy. but it really bothers me because I'm not lazy at all. I'm self enploied and it's driving me crazy that I'm unable to get much work done today. #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Fatigue #notlazy

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