rest

I know I am not a lazy person. I know I only have so much "bandwidth" to use. I am struggling with a demon (if you will) of the past.

I have neurocardiogenic syncope. It's the direct opposite of POTS. My heart rate drops at the snap of a finger. I used to be able to control it with fluids, electrolytes, and compression socks. That's not working anymore. I was some medication (I don't remember the name of it) to keep my heart rate elevated but it rose too much so I had to stop taking it.

Now my struggle. I have to pick and choose the things I can do. We just finished a three day Fine Arts competition with my school. Today I am sitting on my couch, looking around my living room, trying to decide if I have the energy to clean. I know that answer. I know that if I get up and start working I will pass clean out with in 30 minutes and not really wake up for two or three days. I know this because I have done this. However, in the back of my head I have our pastor from 15 to 18 years ago telling my husband, "She's not sick, she is LAZY. Give her vitamins and MAKE her exercise and she will be fine." So that is what my husband attempted to do.😫😩😫😩😫😫

This is not the mentality of my husband now. When my heart diagnosis (bicuspid aortic valve) came about eight years ago he changed his tune. If he walked in right now and saw me attempting to clean he would FREAK OUT! He would be putting me to be bed or pushing me to sit on the couch.

This is just me fighting my mental insecurities from 15 years ago. How to I win this battle?!?!? How do I remind myself I don't have the energy I had as a 19 year old. I don't have the energy I had as a 29 year old. I still had this disease/syndrome/disorder then. (I don't know what to call it.) Back then my bouts of downtime were less. I know I am not lazy...I know I simply lack the energy to do what I want to do...which right now is to get my house clean. I wish I had the money for a maid....just saying...😥

I have seriously got to get off this feeling sorry for myself kick and find something I can do. However, for now, I will sit on my couch and rest. #notlazy #NeurocardiogenicSyncope #rest #Itiswhatitis #thankfulformyfamily #thankfulformyhusband #thankfulformydaughters

Good news: I am learning. Yes!

Yesterday, I was completely off from all activities and rested solely as a means of recovery. So I started my typical early morning panic as I hear the city’s commuters filling the streets. I need to get active! Right.😵‍💫!

So, I decided to write down—and out—my racing thoughts. Suddenly, I stopped writing and trying to analyze my emotions as I told myself, “Hey, I don’t have time to do this, I am missing out on my agenda. I have some resting to do.” 👏👏👏!

And for the first time during this eight month medical leave, I realized, the goal of the leave is to stop thinking, analyzing, lamenting, figuring out a workout regime, and stop playing app games that require problem solving according to times I once set. I am learning that I have one goal on my agenda: rest, rest, rest my brain.

So now I sit waiting for a bus, today, after taking a wonderful walk outdoors. I completed errands that felt more like fun adventures as time was NOT the goal of this outing. And I even watched my bus pass the store I was in, as I talked to the cashier, simply to talk, and not to hurry them up so I can run and flag down the bus to return home to accomplish……what….nothing.

This means, I am at rest even when commuting through an active city’s streets. And THAT is #themighty reward I have gained since being introduced to #selfcare on this site.

#thankyou!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30 #weary #Burden #rest #TheBible #Jesus #Faith

#ChronicFatigue #Fatigue #fibromyalgiafatigue #exhaustion

So on a personal note we flew high accomplished many things sent love out in many directions only to land on the couch and that’s IT. #crash #Drained #nap

What IT all means is while we feel like we are getting better trying to do the things we use to do or remembering things that we could have done before diagnosis. We find ourselves in the cycle of #Updays #Downdays .

This is incredibly frustrating and irritating to say the least. How does one do all the things one is supposed to do when they don’t have enough #Energy and suffer from #ChronicIlless ?

Like seriously we have to be able to get through a week or two without being completely #overwhelmed .

Ok like we have taken on some extra #Stress #Work #MentalHealth and sure some #Caregiving . But common like surly we can still get things done. #DoEverything right?…

Wrong !!!

This is the reminder that we are in this situation because you didn’t look after yourself #rest #Health #Breakes #timeOff #timeout .

That’s right super hero you’re going to have to passé a bit better. Not everyday! Not every hour! Not every minute!

So we are sorry! Please take time to say you are sorry for not looking after You!

See while you would love to help and save the world… You forgot!

You have to save you!

IT is true and the year is ✨2022 IT is true.

Please 🙏 be kind to you.

Please 🙏 look after you.

Please 🙏 take time for you.

There is only one ☝️ you.

Someone out there needs this so this is for U