Embracing My Flawless Imperfections – Even With Chronic Illness
The word of the day today is flawless. It’s written on my t-shirt, and frankly it’s a good reminder for me to live in the body I have right now at this present moment. But holy cow can that be complicated when living with chronic illness!
The idea of being flawless is a paradox. To look at a tree is to notice all of its imperfections, and yet as God’s creation it is perfect in every way. I’m reminded of Lady Gaga’s lyrics… “I’m beautiful in my way ’cause God makes no mistakes, I’m on the right track baby I was born this way.”
So here I am today in the space between… I want to be healed! I have come so far! But I still have a long way to go… And I recognize that it could be so much worse.
This is what we call a liminal space – or the ambiguous space of waiting. Living a life after a traumatic brain injury, with migraines, post-concussive syndrome, pituitary problems, adrenal insufficiency and now some very rare undiagnosed inflammatory condition, liminality is a part of my existence.
As I have been in this liminal space, I have endured all kinds of judgments and assumptions. I choose not to give those negative experiences any more power by discussing them here. Rather, I will say that I am using this experience to cultivate my own inner strength. As a woman who struggled to trust herself, I am learning to how to rely on my own perceptions, my own anchor, my own self-esteem and my own self-awareness. That’s a huge deal given my history with anorexia.
So just for today, I am fully embracing the gift of this body. I’m choosing to call my body flawless, even and especially with all of my imperfections. I’m choosing to love my body so much that I nurture it with every fiber of my being. That means good nourishment spiritually, emotionally and physically. It also means going to the difficult doctors appointments, engaging in holistic healing, utilizing art therapy to help me process what’s inside, spending time with my animals, training my horse, honoring my energy levels with rest, advocating for myself, contemplative prayer and simply putting one foot in front of the other.
I live with several invisible chronic illnesses and rare diseases. I can’t control how others perceive me, yet I can control how I see myself. I believe all things in life flourish when loved well. This is especially true for those who are struggling and/or in the process of healing. So today I am starting a quiet internal revolution by choosing to give my body the love it so richly deserves in this exact moment. Yes, I am flawless.
…and so are you.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Getty Image by g-stockstudio
There are terms to describe my creativity…words like “Synesthesia, Acquired Savantism and Accidental Genius” are all thrown about among experts talking about how I suddenly discovered the ability to paint in 2011 after a Traumatic Brain Injury. But this isn’t just a story of painting; it is my experience of transformation. I was an award-winning entrepreneur and nationally recognized business strategist in home health and hospice before the “mild” traumatic brain injury that changed my life. I was married at the time, at the pinnacle of my career, with a 2 year old daughter. In between business trips, I went to Costco to get a bag of cat food. While loading groceries, the hatch/tailgate of my SUV suddenly dropped on my head. Although I never lost consciousness, my life changed in an instant. Immediately, my career ended and I began a walk into the unknown. Shortly thereafter, I discovered that I could paint. I was not an artist before the accident; but suddenly, painting was as easy as breathing. With a new language – that of color – I transformed into an insatiable artist overnight. This is what it means to be an Acquired Savant. I am self-taught, and I have never taken an art class. I simply sat on the floor of the art store and allowed my hands to explore what felt right. That was the Summer of 2011. I am very fortunate that I do not have many of the tradeoffs that go with Acquired Savantism; Dr. Treffert calls this scenario “Accidental Genius.” My journey through art heals me, even as I continue to discover new health conditions as a result of the injury. I have Dysautonomia (POTS), Pituitary Dysfunction, Adrenal Insufficiency, Migraines, and other issues that impact day to day living. Still, I feel called to help others. Today, I am the same person that I always was; I have simply deepened in ways I never could have imagined. With my CEO days in the rear view mirror, I now study Theology – I’m getting my Masters of Divinity. I spend time with people that live outside – they are my teachers. I have a little menagerie of animals including goats, bulldog, cats, fish and horse – my horse is my physical therapist. I paint constantly in order to express the inexpressible. And…I am a single parent to a beautiful daughter – she is my greatest gift.
novelorica