This Thanksgiving, I Am Grateful for My Journey With Chronic Illness
I had lofty ideas of what I wanted to write about today. I suppose I still like to think of myself as Sam on the West Wing, with a sharp wit and a powerful tongue that can whip up the best verbiage in a moment’s notice! Afterall, I was a professional writer before the traumatic brain injury that changed my life in 2011. I still have the talent in there somewhere, but accessing it isn’t always easy…especially on a day I am not feeling well.
I don’t know why I am not as sharp as I would like to be today – it could be the weather, over-exertion, a migraine or even medication changes (there have been a lot of adjustments as a result of my most recent flare). The truth is that I have no idea why I have brain fog today. I am simply aware that this is the contraction that accompanies expansion. Yesterday was a great day. I felt normal for the first time in a while, as I prepared mashed potatoes with my daughter for the very first time in anticipation of our Thanksgiving Feast! By bedtime, however, I felt a crawling in my skin and tingling in my legs. Did I overdo it? I don’t know. The only certainty at this moment is that rest is required. And although I have so much I want to express in writing, that’s not going to happen today. Perhaps I will paint my thoughts instead, as the language of color allows me to communicate when I am at a loss for words.
As I sit here, though, I am aware of a simple feeling that can so easily be expressed on this Thanksgiving… I am climbing back from an acute flare of an undiagnosed chronic illness combined with adrenal insufficiency and hypopituitarism, and I am deeply grateful. I have come so far since this episode began in August. Even as I feel uncomfortable and fatigued today, I am filled with gratitude that that the acute pain has remained at bay (we weren’t sure it would hold as I peeled back the acute medications), that I was able to drive down to see my horse today (a huge accomplishment), that I felt normal for a little while yesterday (yes! normal!), that I am making huge progress (no matter how slow) and I am home with my loving family (so much laughter in this house).
Chronic illness brings life into perspective. As I continue to walk this healing journey, the rough patches help me to simplify the list of that which will make me “happy.” The result? I feel an almost continuous happiness and contentment even in the midst of struggle. My root of gratitude runs deep. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the journey.
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There are terms to describe my creativity…words like “Synesthesia, Acquired Savantism and Accidental Genius” are all thrown about among experts talking about how I suddenly discovered the ability to paint in 2011 after a Traumatic Brain Injury. But this isn’t just a story of painting; it is my experience of transformation. I was an award-winning entrepreneur and nationally recognized business strategist in home health and hospice before the “mild” traumatic brain injury that changed my life. I was married at the time, at the pinnacle of my career, with a 2 year old daughter. In between business trips, I went to Costco to get a bag of cat food. While loading groceries, the hatch/tailgate of my SUV suddenly dropped on my head. Although I never lost consciousness, my life changed in an instant. Immediately, my career ended and I began a walk into the unknown. Shortly thereafter, I discovered that I could paint. I was not an artist before the accident; but suddenly, painting was as easy as breathing. With a new language – that of color – I transformed into an insatiable artist overnight. This is what it means to be an Acquired Savant. I am self-taught, and I have never taken an art class. I simply sat on the floor of the art store and allowed my hands to explore what felt right. That was the Summer of 2011. I am very fortunate that I do not have many of the tradeoffs that go with Acquired Savantism; Dr. Treffert calls this scenario “Accidental Genius.” My journey through art heals me, even as I continue to discover new health conditions as a result of the injury. I have Dysautonomia (POTS), Pituitary Dysfunction, Adrenal Insufficiency, Migraines, and other issues that impact day to day living. Still, I feel called to help others. Today, I am the same person that I always was; I have simply deepened in ways I never could have imagined. With my CEO days in the rear view mirror, I now study Theology – I’m getting my Masters of Divinity. I spend time with people that live outside – they are my teachers. I have a little menagerie of animals including goats, bulldog, cats, fish and horse – my horse is my physical therapist. I paint constantly in order to express the inexpressible. And…I am a single parent to a beautiful daughter – she is my greatest gift.
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