Agoraphobia

Hi.

I am currently working on learning to relax.

Like truly learning to LET myself relax. This isn’t about the skills. I know “what to do.” My brain just doesn’t let me.

I just recently found out that I “likely have POTS” and I have had chronic migraines for years (currently disabled ). I just kept doing stuff because I didn’t want to miss out on living my life and being outside. This is the first summer I’m trying to listen to my body and stay out of the heat until I really know what’s going on and what works to manage symptoms enough so I don’t flare up. But it’s hard for my adhd and panic attacks.

The thought challenging of that guilt or sadness about missing out is really hard. I know it won’t be this way forever, but it’s hard right now.

#AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome
#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

In 2019 i fell in love with a covert narcissist the cycle of trauma abuse and manipulation continuted till 2024 I was trauma bonded and realised when it was too late .. I developed generalized anxiety disorder , I was unable to understand what was wrong with me ...till the time another nightmare was waiting for me in 2025 i was sexually harassed by a know family relative in my home , that left me with immense emotional and psychological trauma by repeated cycle of abuse , I developed C-ptsd , unable to move out of my bed for months with suicidal thoughts and self harm .. here I am beginning my journey of healing .. initially medications like escitalopram helped me stabilize my flare ups , .I started exercising ,my condition is improving so far although the flashback keep coming , I am learning to manage the triggers ,, ..not in the best ..but trying .I wish we all keep pushing ourselves , as there is always light at the end of the tunnel..❤️#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Trauma #Agoraphobia #MentalHealth #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

I hate somatic symptoms. They override every rational part of my brain and take over. It leads to panic attacks and dysregulation. I dissociate more and cannot focus. Even my coping skills (which are diverse and usually very helpful) are too hard for me to even access. My brain cannot stop focusing on the fear. I feel like the only lighthouse operator (what are they called), hypervigilance kicking in because a storm is approaching and I am the only one and must be ready. Complex ptsd- you know?

Lately I have been extremely anxious. We all know why. I have been posting about it. And as things are progressing, it is leading to more somatic symptoms.

It is triggering emotional flashbacks that leave me paralyzed- unable to think about anything other than making sure I am safe. It reminds me of the somatic symptoms I got when I was calling agencies every morning begging for the resource of housing because my friends were kicking me out, again, because they didn’t think it would take this long for me to get housing. The disability system is really hard to survive. And the focus of health care now in its target- how could it not trigger these flashbacks.

GoFest, one of my favorite annual events I have participated in during almost every year despite my situations (which we have seen have been pretty dire at times), was hard for me. I also have been having an increasingly hard time taking care of myself, sleeping, brushing my teeth, leaving, thinking, showering. I am terrified and activated. My medication isn’t working. I’m throwing up purely from anxiety. I literally just throw up now. I am coping through all of this. My therapists have nothing but validating things to say. There are no changes that can be made. I am just existing. I’m not sad. I just am anxious.

And angry. Thank you to my friend who reminded me of this recently. I am angry that my life has become a system of begging for resources when I could be doing so much more! I have a great education and was a great school psychologist- a profession that consistently has openings because the demand is so great. However, because of a combination of trauma and chronic illness, I am disabled and have to spend my time and energy on fighting for resources that are now being fought over in politics. This isn’t about politics. This is about basic human needs.

I have been trying to get well, with so many inhumane barriers, while sick, just so I can return to work and have a normal life. I don’t want money or status or power. I just want a normal life. I want to live with dignity and safety. (People who have been read posts a couple of years ago probably know these barriers)

My boyfriend told me my words and thoughts matter. That I’m a good advocate. He tells me that for every person who does respond to my post, there are probably five others who do read it. Which is why I took the time to post today.

I am so scared today. Thank goodness I have both a therapy and a psychiatrist appointment with my wonderful providers.

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #ADHD #ChronicIllness #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Disability #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutonomicDysfunction #Migraine #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #POTS #ChronicVestibularMigraine

This is a vent- I already have a game plan of my next steps.

Case management has been one of the biggest struggles since I have become disabled.

I’m not going to get into all of the reasons I need a case manager but most of it has to do with getting through the disability system without losing that life saving support (because it’s really hard to keep up with the paperwork if you have been homeless) and to get to appointments and advocate for myself because of medical trauma and panic attacks that make it so I don’t get the treatments and tests I need when I need them- no matter how much I try.

I have had to open cases with the local mental health oversight agencies because of two agencies messing with my case management services. Both times, the agencies admitted they were wrong, but the harm was already done.

I have been without a case manager for months after I was discharged without warning by the most recent agency when I told them I wouldn’t see their psychiatrist because I already had one and they agreed to it but went back on it a month later without telling me.

I asked for a peer support person because someone told me that may be more appropriate, but I cannot because I don’t have a SUD.

I went to a different agency last month and the intake was so bad I cried through the whole thing. They didn’t want to know about anything with my physical health or conditions or the medications I take for them. Then they told me I was too high functioning and may not be eligible for case management. I said “I have had case management from other agencies for almost 8 years, I went through this entire intake and you had me share my entire trauma history, i am telling you exactly how my disability impacts my ability to perform these necessary responsibilities for my health, and just because you can’t see my disabilities doesn’t mean they are not there. If they were on the outside of my body then i guarantee I would qualify.” I didn’t think I would hear back from them.

Well I did. I had an appointment today and I spent the week in high anxiety state because I don’t want to go through the justification with someone else again. I “look” fine, i know. So after three separate conversations with my therapists, I made it into that office for a second time, trying to take deep breaths. I made it on time and I found out that they scheduled it at the wrong location. I told them twice I needed it at a certain location. I had my intake there. But they assigned me a case manager at a different location and didn’t tell me when they called me. So I went to the place where I went the first place, the place I requested originally. And the person wasn’t there.

I do not think providers realize how hard it is for people with disabilities to get to these things. I’m tired of explaining and justifying it all. I’m also worried about the upcoming vote on the budget bill that will cut funding for health insurance and make it more cumbersome to complete the already confusing necessary paperwork. (This is not a post inviting others to argue about whether or not this will happen- I am stating a realistic fear that I have checked with my therapists, and is increasing my anxiety about this situation because it feels urgent I get as much done as soon as possible since this is being proposed in the US).

Anyway, thanks for listening.

#MentalHealth #Disability #ChronicDailyHeadache #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #CheckInWithMe #ADHD #AutonomicDysfunction #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #POTS