Agoraphobia

Well… I didn’t think this was going to happen.

I sometimes talk about the grief I have from going no contact from almost everyone from my pastz I had a very wide circle, and unhealthy best friends and toxic family members, surviving dv and homelessness- it just didn’t work that I felt comfortable knowing what I ended up knowing later. Specifically it has been hard to not be an aunt. I went no contact with my sister who was my first abuser. It was while the children were minors. I didn’t know what would happen but my sister was making my cptsd harder to manage after it being triggered by dv. I can feel it in my nervous system when “vibes are off”- someone please tell me this isn’t in my mind because the logical side of me is like- what do you mean???
Anyways very tangential- so my niece got mad at me when I was displaced to Cleveland for an unknown period of time and didn’t tell her. Now at that period of time I was no contact with my sister and really weird contact with other family members, I was still unhoused planning to go back to Dayton- and didn’t want that information passed along. I understood her point and told her that it wasn’t a conversation I could have (or something) and I am so so so sorry. I validated her feelings.
So yesterday I got a message from my niece on IG. She had unfollowed me- I refused to block her. She is still young and hasn’t done anything out of the range of normal for her development and knowledge of the situation. I am so happy! Although I was very sad that she grew tired of my sister’s abuse. I am not sure she knows that’s what it is yet. She moved out and lives with her boyfriend. She is over 2 hours away and I remember that liberty when I moved further from reach of my family. She told me she is “no contact” with everyone but my mom and my mom’s husband. I don’t know what she had heard about me, or what she believes about me. My sister’s abuse became worse when I became disabled even though we live hundred of miles apart and never asked her for anything.
I am worried about my niece though. She seems lonely. I hope when she starts working she gets some social time. I’m trying not to be the overexcited aunt who fell out of the family- but here I am.
#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome

Hello, 27 year old woman here living with complex PTSD from long-term trauma, and lately healing has felt really heavy. Even though I’m in therapy, I often feel more raw and alone than ever, like the more I try to get better, the more isolated I become.

I grew up in Philly in an environment that made me feel like I always had to be on guard. I was hurt a lot when I was young, especially physically, and it left me afraid of people in general for a long time. I’m slowly working through that, but connection is still really hard for me. I’m swallowing the fact that the people I’ve known only loved me when I didn’t love myself.

I joined this forum because I want to start gently reaching out, even if it’s just a little at a time. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. If you’ve felt any of this too, I’d really like to hear from you. I tried to fine tune this post as my general bad experiences will definitely be triggering for those with c-ptsd/processing any form of trauma. I also tried going on Reddit to no avail. But it taught me about mindfulness in posting. It’s just hard to get across to others that I nitpick myself to the bone so I’d much rather suffer in my own pain than to chance potentially upsetting someone else in the attempt to get help for myself.

I hope to post more and open up more as I integrate through this platform.

#CPTSD
#TraumaRecovery
#Agoraphobia
#MentalHealth
#Anxiety
#Depression

Something I talk about a lot is how much I am given as a U.S. citizen on SSI. This is relevant because it has put me in situations that caused me more trauma (homelessness, food insecurity, and very few resources and options to get and stay well). I receive $970 a month and I used to get $75 a month for food assistance- less than one dollar per meal, per day. Not enough to survive on, and definitely not enough where I had any room for spending any extra money- I have been afraid to drop my food because it would mean i wouldnt have anything to replace it with, unless I cut into the next day’s food). When I was living alone it was not possible to afford my life- even the basic necessities. The options for assistance never panned out for me due to a number of factors (where I live, there is a large population of people with substance use disorder where resources are funneled to bc of the need; since I do not have that, or children, I was rarely accepted for things that most people would think i qualified for even though I am disabled- I still continue to get denied for services I need today because I still don’t have those factors).

The other side of the coin is I have an Ed.S., spent 7 years in college, and have a student loan debt. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate from high school, college, and attend and graduate from grad school. Something that used to be seen as an accolade but not so much because it seems not to “count” now that I am disabled. My family repeats the lines of “if you take out the loans you have to pay them back.” Which of course I planned to. I also don’t really understand why this mentality exists when many people in my generation/SES were told if we don’t go to college we won’t get out of poverty, did not understand financial literacy, and these decisions were made to feel urgent in our late teens and early twenties. And also- how are we supposed to predict our lives? This isn’t a car loan. Some can be more like a home loan- especially with the interest rates charged and how they get moved around.

Anyways, I recently found out that my student loans can actually be forgiven because of how long I have been disabled. I will be submitting my application as soon as possible (60 months from my disability date- even though I was disabled before this- I had to take out my retirement and spend it down first). I was able to speak with someone today about it and I feel very relieved.

I know this is a somewhat unique intersection (both as a US citizen who had to take out loans for college, and being disabled under SSI where the rules are extremely restrictive), but I wanted to share it with anyone else who may also share that intersection.

#PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Disability #ChronicIllness #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD

I am having a hard time tonight.

My bf just started a new job recently and now I am trying to adjust to a new schedule.

To catch anyone up: I was unhoused for a couple of years and my complex ptsd got really bad. I have had severe panic attacks since then. I also had to move cities across the state and no longer access my “safe places” and my circle of friends. And after all of this I am having new symptoms pop up so I am having mobility issues. This is all being addressed in therapy- so I’m just venting. 😂 which coming back up to this- it did help.

I do a lot of things- I volunteer, attend groups and therapy, I am working on renewing my school psychologist license, I paint, I advocate, I am a heavy hobb-iest (lol I dabble in a lot of things)- I keep myself busy enough while still having space and time to process things. The problem is with these “extra symptoms” -the ones I have now because of the extra trauma of being unhoused- I have a hard time being at home. (I’m working on it in therapy!!) I didn’t have these in the evening- when my anxiety ramps back up- by myself because these came from being unhoused. I also live in a “new” city that’s across the state from my old city. I am working on building my social circle but with my symptoms it is challenging. I also am working my way with some new diagnoses and figuring out supports I need for accessibility- which kind of factors into the panic of going places. I’m aware of all of the parts of it- unfortunately 😵‍💫 it’s just that the logic doesn’t work for the panic. I wish it did though. 😂 that would be really nice.

Anyways- the whole point of this is I have a hard time coping with change and unstructured time. I know what my therapists keep telling me- I am doing all the right things and it’s just about coping through it. But that really sucks sometimes 🫠🙃I probably should write some affirmations or something.

#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ADHD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #CheckInWithMe