On the Days I 'Fail' With Anxiety and Depression


Today, I failed.

Thus far, in the last 24 hours, I cried at least four times. I panicked three times. I cancelled two appointments and I’ve thought about terrible, nightmarish things I don’t even want to mention.

By all accounts, I am failing. I feel like my depression and anxiety are having a rap battle for the winning spot in my brain. I can’t hear anything but them, and I want to pull my hair out.

Yet, I am here.  

There are days when by all accounts, I suck and I don’t like myself very much. I don’t meet my standards. I let myself down or I am just too much. Days where I feel like I am filled with earthquakes, fires and storms. Days where I feel everything too intensely, like I’m drowning in a sea of voices who all need something different that I can’t give. Days when I call my fiancée too many times crying again because I can’t handle anything. There are tons of days when I want to quit. Days when I wish I could just not exist because it would be so much easier for everyone.

I can’t quit. Every awful day means I am closer to a good day. Every time I make myself do something that scares me is a day I succeed.

That’s what I want to tell you. I won’t lie and say it gets easier. Sometimes, it is easy. Sometimes, it is ridiculously hard to get out of bed and leave the house. Yet, every day is worth living for. You are a fighter and your own demons may be intense, but they are not stronger than you. This is not bigger than you, and although no one can save you, there are people who love you and want you to keep going.

There are some ideas that won’t work. There are some promises you won’t be able to keep.  There are some great plans that will be great disasters, but that is the nature of life. Don’t let it weigh you down. Drop your pack and keep moving.

You deserve to be here. I deserve to be here. We deserve to exist. We deserve life. Keep failing. Keep trying. Keep fighting. Keep living.

Image via Thinkstock.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

 

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